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-   -   Sam. (http://www.addictionsurvivors.org/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=30226)

Alexis 07-11-2016 12:16 PM

oh dear Sam!!

Hope you are doing ok apart from the frustration of this? xx

Tryntryagain 07-13-2016 06:10 AM

Good morning dearest Sam. Bright blessings to you.

My dear, dear brother......enough already. I shall compose a rip roaring letter to the mothership our dearest Nancy, i will take my time, as this is a proper rule breaker. Oh yes.

Now i am 100% behind this familys structure, however there comes a time where the sanity of a brother or sister, and the sanity of us all....HAS to be more important.

That being the case, i shall write a "pretty..pretty please" letter asking if i can pass on $10 to get you a new ******* keyboard!!!!!!

Get it sorted Mr Man! You could always ask Mrs Sam. You know what they say,.... "if you want to know how something is done ask a man.....if you want something done...ask a woman!"

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you dearest Sam.

Sam Bailey 07-13-2016 06:12 PM

Hey Andy!

Yes! Please send money, lots of it. I want the best damn keyboard in all of ComputerVille.

As for asking Mrs. Sam? Oh no, she would never allow it. As it is, I am allowed very few things of a personal nature. Money and, apparently, keyboards at the top of that wretched woman's list.

Just kidding, Mrs. Sam, although my allowance is not due until the top of the month. Ha!

Actually, THIS is the new keyboard. See? Isn't it lovely? And it works! Not a hyphen in sight.

(------) For old times sake. Ha!

Now my AUDIO is sideways! Sheesh! Think I might need a whole new laptop. Hmmm, maybe I'll need that moola after all!

Ha! Kidding, of course. Or am I?

Truth is, I am delighted that I can now cease cussing out my spacebar.

Thanks, Mr. Tryn'!

sam

lostdog 07-13-2016 06:25 PM

is she mean? the keyboard works well hope you are doing well Sam!

Sam Bailey 07-13-2016 08:18 PM

Hey LD,

Mean? Mrs. Sam? Oh, you don't know the meanness in that woman. The wicked, wretched nature of her wrath! LD? I am terrified, a prisoner of her daily rage.

Ha!

No, LD. In fact, I'm just being a 2-bit clown, messing around. Delighted, finally, to have a working (mostly) laptop my only excuse.

In truth, Mrs. Sam is the sweetest, nicest, most tolerant woman in the greater cosmos. She's been my main supporter for years, holding me up during the worst part of my active addiction.

She is kind, loving and oh-so-decent. Not perfect, good Lord she is not. But sweet, kind and decent---you bet.

Why, exactly, she chose to stay with me, to endure my madness, I don't know. Not totally.

So mean, that ain't her.

sam

lostdog 07-14-2016 09:19 AM

that's what I thought, your so witty and intelligent, it rolls over me sometimes, you deserve only the best, so I was just checking on you. Checking on sweet Sam....

R. Lee 07-14-2016 09:21 AM

Sam, Glad the new keyboard is up and running & you have a supportive Mrs. Sam. Have a great day.

Alexis 07-15-2016 11:45 AM

Sam you are a lucky boy being with Mrs Sam, she sounds perfect for you :)

Thinking of you today a lot xx

Sam Bailey 07-17-2016 04:56 PM

Hey Alexis!

Yes mam, I am one extremely lucky no-good-nik, for sure. At least so says Mrs. Sam. And if SHE believes it, who am I to disagree? HaHa. Truth is, so I believe anyway, the both of us are a great complement to the other. We have flaws, oh yes we do, yet she is a good and decent (kind, loving, sweet, etc) person, I KNOW this is true. And she feels the same towards me, which, as we ALL know HERE, is absolute fact (haha).

Just messing around, TRYING for a giggle or two. Bottom line, I like Mrs. Sam, LOVE her in heaps---and I know I can count on her at any/all times.

Ok, stop. Quickly approaching the gag-me-with-a-spoon too-too-TOO damn sweetly-sweet-sugar-pop-romance-madness.

In other words: We Cool. Thanks!!

Re: my computer? While the spacebar is functioning, I'm having some other minor issues, which may graduate to major problems. Might just need to pull the trigger on a new laptop.

If I do buy a new one, just imagine how much better my posts will be!?

Yay!!!

sam b

Alexis 07-17-2016 05:47 PM

im happy for you both Sam xx

Sam Bailey 07-17-2016 07:26 PM

Alexis,

After a brief re-read of my last couple of posts, I feel compelled to fill in the, 'yeah, but..." side of our story. You know, the darker side. Truth is, what I wrote IS true, but it's not ALWAYS true.

We have a good life together, we do. Mrs. Sam and me. Blessed with two kids, 5 grandkids, a great best canine pal and lots of physical blessings, our lives would appear to be perfect. Yet it is not.

Yes, there's the daily worry about our son. His alcoholism nearly broke us, together and individually. Good today; but tomorrow? We hope but who knows? He is healing, but his pain is a great weight on us.

Our daughter's travails, so, so many of them, are a constant worry and, at times, a series of various heartbreaks. Mixed though with great joy and divine gratitude. Despite the pain, now increased since two of the grandchildren are teenagers, their existence is great joy. We are blessed!

Yet, in truth, we will die, it's inevitable fact. We know this. And when that happens, what will become of either/both of them? All of them? When neither of us is here to help them, what will they do?

We pray everyday that before that happens, they will find themselves. That's the simplest answer, the most obvious---and the "thing" that ought to happen. We believe it will, but still...but still the worry.

Beyond all that, there's this other thing. There are days when, simply put, we are not best friends. There are days when I know Mrs. Sam doesn't like me, days when she's angry and spiteful. There are an equal number of days when I feel the same way about her. The mixture of those two powerful emotions, absolute love and wicked disdain is really an ugly an uncomfortable combo.

Today, for example, we were simply not in balance. And when that happens, life does not feel good. We are not a good pairing, the two of us, on those days.

So far, we have weathered all those days, all those events. I believe we will weather this one. And at the risk of too much corn, love will prevail.

I just didn't want to give you the impression that we are Ozzie and Harriett.

Bottom line, we are people; we are human beings and there are times that we really do a poor job of it, the being a human being thing.

Of course, we do keep trying. Always will.

Just wanted you to know.

sam

lostdog 07-17-2016 09:01 PM

I understand Sam, but everyday you are doing what you can. We can't live for others.you lead them, be a good example and live your own life too. You are a good person don't worry about the future. We only have today.

Alexis 07-18-2016 06:46 AM

Sam, i kind of knew that, not in detail obviously but of course, relationships have their ups and downs. I think you write about it well, and it allows us to understand YOU.

the thing is we can only do our best. and its hard for me to write that as im not sure MY best is good enough...

I hope you and Mrs Sam get back to good terms soon :)

Love you very much xxx

Tryntryagain 07-18-2016 10:21 AM

Good afternoon dear, dear Sam. Bright blessings to you.

I do not know whether or not this comment after what you describe is "au fait", yet then again, you know me, ...clogs on small feet....i thought your letter was beautiful. I really do.

My dear brother....how many heads were "nodding" as their feelings became unbearable for you?

Yet as my favourite Californian freak whom i adore, it would be amiss of me not to share all you have shared.

It's the "love / hate thang"...it's the "you bring out the best/worst of me".....it's the ....oh **** the lot of it.....and unfortunately....it's the..."i can't"........it's life.

Oh we all have our dreams, and we all had them. There is an absolute certainty that all of Tryns dreams will come true.....until they don't.

Some may say..."well the dream is over"......some may say...."oh marvelous!....Another chance to dream"......the concept of divine intervention is indeed true. It is you.

Sam?......

Over the time i have been here, if you diluted all i have said, it came down to life had come back and bitten me on the ass. You would, in your imitable way, welcome me to a very difficult world. I know more now why, and what you have shared means only 2 things to me.

You adore Mrs Sam, Mrs Sam wonders sometimes, yet adores you very much to, the kids a constant battle, the connection, "swinging across lava when you have to, arm in arm, screaming all the way"...is sometimes required. When you land on the other side, you need not have to thank each other if it is "like that"...yet BOTH of you know you had to hold on tight to each other, to get to where you are.

The "dip" in love is like a weather pattern. My friend?......a tornado, a storm, and that gulf stream will return. It could be the simple recognition of knowing the weather.

Chin up mukka.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you dearest Sam.

Sam Bailey 07-18-2016 12:40 PM

Folks!

Thank you all very much. Your comments re my relationship with Mrs. Sam, and hers with me, are much appreciated. That you would take your time, energy and well-thought-out feelings, write them down and then actually SEND them to me---well, what a bravura deed...indeed!

Mighty thanks!

However, now on to something else entirely.

Uh, I hate, I detest, I abhor, I resent, I-I-I cannot stand the sight, the image or, even, the thought, living or dead, of my rental tenants! Okay, so maybe I could accept a dead one. Maybe, though not for certain.

Basically, tenants suck rotten eggs!

Okay, okay---you're right, all of you. Some tenants are good and decent people.

Just NOT the two bastards renting our property in Palm Desert, California, they blow chunks. And the property? It's a beautiful single occupancy home, corner lot, great pool, etc, etc.

Those muthas!!!

Allow me to describe them to you: &^%$#@*%, spawn of satan, demons the both of them.

Do I exaggerate? NO, I do not!

Okay, yes I do.

They MAY not be actual demons, though I'm not sure of that either.

Bottom line, they're making me crazy.

Yet, I remain cool, collected and cordial, the epitome of a well mannered Landlord.

That's all. Just wanted to rant. So rant I have done, among folks I trust. Even if you rent. HaHa!!!

Giant thanks!!

sam

Alexis 07-18-2016 12:50 PM

im a tenant! Im good i promise!! :D

what on earth have they done? haha sorry for giggling at your anger!! xx

Millie 07-18-2016 03:40 PM

I'm curious too about what they've done to incur such hilarious (sorry) wrath.

Sorry you're dealing with that!

Tryntryagain 07-21-2016 01:27 PM

Good evening dearest Sam. Bright blessings to you.

Come on then me ole mukka........what's going on?

As you have given me in my house all your love, and i have learnt some about you as you have done so, so i know you are BRILLIANT" at....wait for it...wait for it....

Decompartmentalising....even for Andy, that is 1 **** of a mouthful.

So what am i talking about?

I believe us addicts are breathtakingly good at manipulating. We had to be. We are jugglers. When we turn our backs on our addictions, we drop everything.

Well, of course we would.

Oh, only few understand us Sam, the whole shebang is a dynamic. Drop 1 thing...drop all.

So, sobriety, clean time....smashing. Hold on....what happened when i was ******. I was for decades. I got a WHOLE new set of things to juggle here.......sure i know how to juggle....not this shit though. Not like this.

So what do we do?

What we have always done. Go and give..give..and give.

Number 1.

Get rid of @%$£^#% = GONE

I am sure you will do what you need to do sort that nonsense out. It is obviously a huge thing in your life right now. It needs to be sorted for you, Mrs Sam and Noah. Let it be known my dear brother, if i was there i would most definitely/maybe hit them with my walking stick.

One last issue i would like to raise would be around what "definitions look like".

Off the cuff as it were, what on earth is the "epitome of a well mannered Landlord" when that is at home my brother?!~?

I think it is so lovely that Millie saw and felt a need here. That she opened the door to your house.

You are a very, very special man to me Sam. I can be sure i talk for all.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you dearest Sam

Millie 07-22-2016 06:34 PM

Just read your post on Tryn's thread... and after what you wrote on mine last week, I thank you for going to see a doctor. ;)

With pointy parts next to your lungs, that too is nothing to mess with. Hope the pain gets better soon.

Alexis 07-23-2016 04:59 AM

Hope your poor ribs are ok Sam xx

lostdog 07-23-2016 09:08 AM

oh, darn, get well soon Sam! healing thoughts sent your way....

Sam Bailey 07-26-2016 04:55 AM

Hey Folks!

Insomnia strikes again! It's nearly 2:00 am and I'm ready to begin my day. See me at about 4am, tho. Ha!

Anyway. Just wanted to briefly confess that I am an absolute dope. Ha! Okay, not so much a dope as an idiot.

See.

I crashed my bike three days ago. At the park. Sorta nuts, I suppose. With the rib dealio and all. I mean, my ribs do hurt, though not made much worse by bike riding. And since I can't run. Well...

Anyway.

I was tearing around the park's dirt and gravel track when I reached over to click my stopwatch and, simultaneously, hit a...something. Lost control of the bike, looked, I'm certain, like a lunatic trying to keep my balance. Didn't though. Keep my balance, I mean.

Not so bad, though. Big ol "strawberry" on my left hip, a small gash on my ankle and a nasty jagged abrasion on my left elbow. A few scrapes elsewhere. Not too horrible.

So, these middle-aged guys playing softball, seeing this 60 year old knucklehead crash, run over to see if I'm hurt.

"Not hurt," says I, "except for my pride." I got a courtesy laugh. Ha!

Would I have crashed if I were still the fit athlete I once was? I mean, I'm still fit (as I keep telling everyone. Ha!). Probably so. Maybe not.

Anyway. All is well. Oh, the (slight) irony. I WAS wearing my helmet, though I had to be threatened into it. Yet didn't hit my head at all. An elbow heals, not so much a head, I suppose.

Okay. Night all.

Btw, I did not learn any lesson. I've biked every day since. Maybe one lesson. Why am I using a freaking stopwatch on my bike. Ha!

'Night.

sam

Tryntryagain 07-26-2016 07:33 AM

Good afternoon dear dear Sam. Bright blessings to you.

Ohhh Sam! You appear to be going through a phase of "mishaps and mayhem"! For future reference, bearing in mind you seem to be on a tad of a dodgy run at the moment, i advise you wearing your helmet whether you are on a freakin bike or not at the moment! I have to say was it really the best pastime to indulge in at this time bearing in mind your rib injury? My dear friend that could have turned out much worse. When one is nursing an injury the smart money generally is that one tends to allow that to heal before hurting something else!

Please take care of you dear Sam! Mrs Sam can only do so much!

Be peaceful, be healthy....(<<<<<) and be strong. Loveness to you dear, dear Sam

Sam Bailey 07-26-2016 10:34 AM

Hello Mr. Andy.

If my salutation to you seems a might cold and unfriendly, then you sir, have interpreted correctly.

Oh, the wrong you have done to me. Hard, callous man, you are. Thoughtless too. Unless you actually thought to engineer such a terrible thing. If that is so, then you, sir Tryn', are a monster.

You see.

Mrs. Sam did in fact read your most recent post, in which you suggested I wear a biking helmet at ALL times, whether biking or not.

So she now has me wearing one from the moment I awake and leave the bed. No matter what clothing I wear; no matter what event I attend.

Two nights ago, I attended the Pantages Theater Musical Production of, "Beautiful: the Carole King Story," and the people in the row behind me kept asking me to remove it, that damned helmet. They couldn't see. But no, Mrs. Sam would not allow it. Safety first and all that jazz.

Ok, I've gone on far too long with this silly, phony scenario, trying to post a smart remark back to the very funny smart remarks Tryn' posted.

The TRUTH in his post. of course, is that a person MUST wear a helmet at ALL times when riding a bike. And honestly, I do. Both my wife and my son threatened to steal the tires if I didn't capitulate. At first I thought it all silly, that I would actually have a bike crash. No way!

Uh, lots of ways.

Even before my own crash, I saw plenty of close calls involving bikes and, often, little kids darting out into the bike path, directly in front of furiously peddling bikers.

Anyway, enough gibberish for this morning.

Two things NOT gibberish: 1. Wear a helmet. And 2. We did go see the Play. "Beautiful" is just plain wonderful. Those of you familiar with her early writing hits, through her brilliant album, "Tapestry." will also love the show.

To the unfamiliar?

We took Noah with us, he's always enjoyed the stage, and though he was NOT very familiar with her songs or her story, he also really liked it. Lots!!

Oh, and me? I was bareheaded throughout.

sam

Tryntryagain 07-26-2016 10:52 AM

Good afternoon again dear dear Sam. Bright blessings to you.

Hot dang!.....You have found me out!

You have ruined me. Here i was, unassuming, quiet and very reserved, trying to hide my evil intentions from all, most certainly you, and look....i have been rumbled!

See??....Tryn can not even do "evil intentions" properly without being found out.

Re Carole King, as a boy i learnt how to play most of her/their songs. What an extraordinary life of an extraordinary woman.

As my obvious evilness has not worked, i must add that i have never loved another whilst casting my wicked spells.

You my friend are the exception.

Just do me a favour?......Do not share the antidote to me with anyone else now will you?

I do love you to bits my dear Sam.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you dear, dear Sam

lostdog 07-26-2016 05:50 PM

your funny, Sam, quite a sense of humor, I'm glad you are better. take care.

R. Lee 07-27-2016 10:21 AM

Have a great day Sam.

Alexis 07-27-2016 12:32 PM

eeeeeek. i dont wear a helmet :O

Stupid i know....

Love you Sam xx

lostdog 07-28-2016 12:43 PM

I used to not wear one, but now I do, my road is tricky and I'm much older. But my bones are pretty strong, take care Sam get well soon!

lostdog 07-28-2016 11:25 PM

I wanted to respond to you about your post on Alexis's thread. Sam, your past haunts you sometimes, like out past does to us ( I can only speak for me for sure) all sometimes... that's what can trigger me easily and that is what we all work on , be easy with yourself. You have made so much progress. My husband constantly says Oh I wish you had done this or that all the time and he can't get out of it. It is a circle for him. You broke that circle when you got sober and your in a strong recovery. Be gentle with yourself, you are a very intelligent, sweet man who is doing so well and I'm so glad to know you in this group.

Tryntryagain 07-29-2016 05:55 AM

Good morning dear, dear Sam. Bright blessings to you.

Dear Lost Dog, what a beautiful letter. What a wise soul you are.

How are the ribs dear Sam? How are you getting along? I could totally relate to the needing a crane and pully to even roll over in bed! Mine is now over 3 weeks old and i can still not lie properly, cough, sneeze without hitting the roof! Time my dear man, time.

I'm wondering if the tenants from hell situ has moved on some or is it still a source of insanity? I do feel for you.

If i may just add something to what our dearest Lost Dog said, my friend and brother, the power you have is to light up anyone's day. It is not unique, yet it is very rare. My own theory is that those that can display so much sunshine and warmth can do so as they know the alternative. I have read between many of your beautiful lines and i too detect and sense a deep sadness that constantly drives you forward. You deal with it in a way most can not. You always show the biggest part of you which is frankly adorable.

I know and we know, you hurt sometimes too.

We often talk of strength amoungst others here. We do because i sincerely believe all of us in our way.. are. Survivors dear Sam. That's what we are.

We all have our own ways of how we got to here and i know that without you, your "take" on survival and life, i would not be able to learn and expand my own coping structures, my own strength.

1 thing....however.......if i ever break my ribs again, i shall avoid anything you write for at least a month! Only you could have me giggling like a little boy whilst crying in pain at the same time because of it.

**Note to brothers and sisters.......if anything physically hurts and you need to keep still for a while, do not read Sams letters.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you dear, dear Sam

Sam Bailey 07-29-2016 01:12 PM

Hey Andy!

Humble thanks for the kind words you wrote about me. Not so certain I deserve them. Still, big thanks. You're such a thoughtful and kind man.

And you are right, I do carry around with me this box of sadness, this dark cloud hovering above, a (sometimes) deep and jagged heartache, whatever image works best. Whatever pitiful cliché works best. Ha!

That sadness is, of course, the reason I drank and used for so long. We all share this same story, I think. And for all of is, booze and/or drugs was the "best" solution to our heartpain that we could find. It worked, dope did, until it stopped working. That cliché is true too.

But it always stops working. Hear this everyone, those who read this post, new and old, hear this: it always stops working---and we are then left without any sort of solution. And then, well, we are truly screwed.

Which is why our next solution must be RECOVERY, in some form or another.

Anyway.

Sorry Tryn', about an hour ago, I had written, and nearly finished, a humongous post to you. Quite over the top, again, I'm sure. HaHa!

As is my habit with all posts, I click "save" along the way in case anything happens. Well, sumthing happened; my laptop hiccupped and despite my precaution, I lost my freaking post---and what a fine, well crafted post it was. Ha!

In any case, I shall not try to retrieve it from wherever it is in my brain. It very well may have left the building, my brain, I mean, hours ago.

So with that, I remain...

...your friend!

sam

Alexis 07-29-2016 01:17 PM

Sam hope you are ok, hope your ribs are feeling better and you heart is happy. Love you xx

Sam Bailey 07-29-2016 01:52 PM

Hi Alexis!

Thanks for your kindness, too. You really are a good person, Alexis. I wish you believed this, wish you believed me. I also "wish" that you could find a really super group of people you could speak to and share with---in person.
A group filled with hugs and handshakes and genuine good cheer. A group that is both kind and tells the truth.

I don't know, kid---but seems to me that you've backed yourself into corner where only one truth exists. That "truth" (which isn't the truth at all!) is that you're not worthy. Cripes! That is such bullshyte, plain and obvious.

Yet, you've lived in that world for such a LONG time that you've become, uh, comfortable with it, It reinforces your believe system and, in an oddly cruel way, you're at ease with it. One's comfort with one's discomfit.

But of course, you're not at all comfortable. You rage against this "truth," you know that it's BS---but, again, it's all you've known for so long. The Voices don't change because they're the same voices, repeating the same ol shyte.

That's why I so wish you had other voices, other human beings, in your Real Life. How long would it take to cognitively change those voices? To change your perception of yourself?

I bet not too long.

Know what though, Alexis? I remain a complete buffoon. I wish I knew for certain what I think I know. What I DO know is, as Plato (or was it Socrates?) said, "I know that I don't know."

Alexis? You are one of the good people, world-round;

Oh, my ribs are quite a lot better today. I actually turned over in bed last night without the help of our Neighborhood Watch Committee. Ha!

sam

Alexis 07-29-2016 02:08 PM

Thank you Sam, what you say is right, i think its all ive known for such a long time that is probably is a comfortable space, even though it hurts.

Love you xx

Sam Bailey 07-29-2016 02:44 PM

Hi Alexis!

I'm just about to stumble out the front door, headed for a Noon AA Meeting. Wanna come with me? I'll stop by and pick you up. We'll grab a couple of Starbuck Extra Grande before we go?

Wish I could. And. I hope you'd go with me!

No time for too much now, so lemme just say, it's a GOOD thing that you're aware of this. I'm sorry it hurts you, I hate that, in fact.

And while I guess one can't feel "good" about it, well, why not? Knowing that this MIGHT be true gives you a headstart on dealing with it.

No dear, you "should" feel positive about knowing this. I've mentioned many times that, during my near ruinous active addiction, I could NOT see the truth bout me. That you have the kind of self perception that you have, well, it's just a real step up.

Crud! Got to run!

Big Hugs, Alexis!

sam

Alexis 07-29-2016 03:19 PM

Sam of course ill go with you, id love to :) how wonderful would that be!!

Enjoy the meeting xx

R. Lee 07-29-2016 03:34 PM

That is how it works Sam.

R. Lee 07-29-2016 03:36 PM

That is how it works Sam. I was 3 hours ahead of you & will go to another tonight. If let to my own thinking I can get in trouble.

lostdog 07-29-2016 04:33 PM

have a good meeting both of you....


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