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-   -   I need to try this again... (http://www.addictionsurvivors.org/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=29871)

Hysteria 03-05-2015 03:43 PM

I need to try this again...
 
I've been off and on the wagon so many times since I last posted that I don't know if I'm coming or going. I know I want to try this again, and I know I need to take it very serious if I want it to stick.

Last fall, I was sober for a long stretch of time, and I felt great. I keep remembering those days and long to return. I don't need any advice really, I've heard it all before. I guess I'm just looking for some support, some prayers, and a little wind in my sails as I set course for a new destination.

lostdog 03-05-2015 04:08 PM

You have support here, keep posting, take one day at a time and you CAN do it.

Hysteria 03-05-2015 05:29 PM

Thanks, Lostdog.

gmasusie 03-05-2015 06:18 PM

It's amazing how much better we feel when we're sober! It's also a joy to be "present" in our lives and our family's lives and to care about what's going on around us!

You've done this before; you can do it again! Just stay in touch, and this time it will stick!

Welcome back, Susie

Tryntryagain 03-05-2015 06:26 PM

Good evening Hysteria. Bright blessings to you.

You are now on your way on your voyage to a new destination! How better does that make you feel, right there? So many here will be here to support you along your way. All of us making our way on our adventures, some we want, some we dont. Through the love and understanding here, it can empower you to make the changes you seek. so that you can catch the wind that drives your sails.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be focused. Loveness to you Hysteria

iamtrying 03-05-2015 07:11 PM

Hi Hysteria...

You made your point "I know I need to take it very serious if I want it to stick. "

May force be with you! and wish you my support...

Have a great day! stay sober and stay safe my friend.

Saint 03-05-2015 07:48 PM

Hysteria,
Welcome back and congrats on taking a chance on yourself. Make sobriety the most important part of your life and keep it foremost in your mind. Do what it takes to get and stay sober. We're here for you.

Saint

R. Lee 03-05-2015 07:58 PM

Hysteria, Wow you last posted in the late summer of 2013. Welcome back.

I see your story has not got any better. I hope you can dwell on one short suggestion. Before you take another drink please think through the act of taking another drink.

You are in my prayers & thoughts. Stay strong you are on your way.

gmasusie 03-06-2015 12:31 AM

Hysteria,

Read Michael's most recent post: it will share the strength in his heart with you and help you on your journey. We will be there with you.

Susie

NancyB 03-06-2015 05:49 AM

Hi Hysteria, here's the post Susie mentioned from Michael:

Quote:

Originally Posted by michaelc232 (Post 450938)
Thank you everyone! Saint, it's funny that you said "we are never cured." That statement never ceases to make my heart drop and remind me that I am only one drink away from becoming the monster I have worked all these months to get away from. I'm coming up on 8 months sober. Right after 8 months was when I relapsed last time. I'll never forget saying "**** it..." as I grabbed my friends beer, took a drink, and ended 8 months of hard work. Sitting here today, in my right mind, properly treated and happy, a drink is the farthest thing from my mind. Yet I can never forget that I will forever be standing on a ledge, only one drink away from falling back into misery. If anyone out there is thinking of taking a drink tonight, please know that it gets better. You can find happiness without alcohol. In fact, you can't find true happiness with it. If you are thinking about taking that first step towards sobriety, please know that it is worth it. It is a rough road full of breakdowns, heartache and painful self realization but just keep walking. Because somewhere on that road, when you feel like you can't take one more step, you will find yourself. If you keep walking after that, you will learn to love yourself. Then, only a few miles after that, you will find that you are able to love others, and give yourself freely to the people that you care about. It takes time. One day at a time to be exact....

Michael

This is a link to his thread:
http://www.addictionsurvivors.org/vb...ad.php?t=29121

Nancy

gmasusie 03-06-2015 09:38 AM

Thanks, Nancy

DianeC 03-06-2015 10:16 AM

For today you can... Take it one day at at time. There's much support among these wonderful folks, Hysteria.

Hysteria 03-06-2015 11:06 AM

Thank you all
 
Thank you all. This is going to be really hard, and I know that.

But for the first time in my battle with this, I feel like the time is right and I'm doing this for me. Not my family or friends or career... but for me. Maybe that's a selfish attitude, but that's how I feel.

I emptied out my stock last night, and I threw it in the dumpster this morning.

Today, I will not drink.

DianeC 03-06-2015 11:12 AM

Good for you, hysteria! Yes, one has to do it for herself or himself. It only works if that's the motivation. I wish you a day of sobriety success. Remember that you have support here, my friend.

iamtrying 03-06-2015 11:24 AM

Hysteria...

Great job!...you have taken the first step...don't look back, don't repent...I think today evening go to nice Mexican fast food, get real spicy food, fill yourself up, pick a great movie to watch, have a midnight yogurt and grapes...enjoy!...Don't hesitate to tell your spouse that you are working on staying sober...

Have a great fun Friday....stay sober and stay safe my friend....

Tryntryagain 03-06-2015 11:33 AM

Good afternoon Hysteria. Bright blessings to you.

This is going to be really hard and you know that. How do you know that? Because of past events? Because it is the same now as it ever was? Or perhaps as you have shared with us you feel like change. This is different.

Everyday is different, Hysteria alcohol sends us up high.....and then drops us from a great height. Crashing down we come, time after time. All those that pass by these shores are winners.

And so it is for you. Do not mistake "hard times" with challenging times. There is a difference. 1 you do not want, 1 you do. All of us are here, and your thread called "i need to try this again"?.....we are all here now because we have tried it all before again and again, and through support, i think i speak for most here by saying, none of us can do without it.

I try to encourage others and myself that when i act in a way i do not want, my next move is always the first time i have tried it. Never grow weary of the next step, it is always brand new.

Hour by hour, day by day, share by share, life always move on, it is us that makes life do so.

Often folk step forward when challenged. Take a step back, room to breathe, room to see.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you Hysteria.

Hysteria 03-06-2015 12:03 PM

I know it will be hard because I've been through this before. I have tried to quit and have even gone several days on multiple occasions without so much as a sip. But at some point, the wheels come off.

Here's another reason I know it will be hard... at least for me. I struggle with guilt. The embarrassment I have been, the money I have wasted, the disappointment I have caused. I think about how out of control I've been at times. And with that stress and guilt weighing me down, its easy to just escape with another drink (and then another, and another...). No more guilt, no more stress, until I crash back to earth the next morning.

That is the destructive cycle I've been on recently. Learning how to deal with the guilt will be my greatest obstacle on my road to recovery.

lostdog 03-06-2015 02:10 PM

yes, those things are true, we cannot live in the past. Remain in the present. Forgive yourself, you are your own worst enemy. Keep going, when the urge strikes, distract yourself- eat often with protein for a while and remember HALT. Also, do something you really like to do and enjoy yourself. You deserve a sober free life without past hauntings.

R. Lee 03-06-2015 02:32 PM

Hysteria, You are no different than the rest of us. We all have history from our drinking. No one here will say that getting sober was easy. The simple sayings some of use like, stay in today, 1 day at a time, think through that 1st drink are not easy to do. The rewards that come from practicing these are sure worth it.

Look for the similarities here rather than the differences & you will do just fine.

jenm 03-06-2015 05:11 PM

Welcome Hysteria! I'm so glad you are here. One day at a time, we can do this together. :) Jenm

gmasusie 03-07-2015 12:34 AM

Everyone here has said it better than I can. Keep talking to us, Hysteria.

We care.

iamtrying 03-07-2015 11:24 AM

Hysteria ...How are you ? How did it go..

Tryntryagain 03-08-2015 09:16 AM

Good afternoon Hysteria. Bright blessings to you.

Would i be right in saying perhaps you are a person that does not shy away from challenge? And somehow this is a challenge that seems "something different?"

It is different. Once alcohol has become some sort of influence, "shaking it off" becomes increasingly challenging. I believe this forum/family is a place to help manage untangle parts of ourselves that always pose questions. It may not throw up answers expected, but it becomes the journey of "us".

You are so worth it.

Be peaceful, be gentle with yourself and be strong. Loveness to you Hysteria

Millie 03-09-2015 02:37 PM

Hi Hysteria. I know all about the guilt you mentioned. Unfortunately, yes, it is self-destructive. You are taking a great step though, and that is a shift into the present. I had a counselor tell me once, "Be gentle with yourself, in a gentle way." It was some of the greatest advice I've ever heard. It means you can't beat yourself up for not being gentle with yourself. That cycle...

I have found in my own experience that people have been more forgiving of my past behavior than I have been of myself. That was surprising. While you can't do anything about the past, the more you make good choices today, the further away those negative feelings get.

Alcohol also increases anxiety, which is associated with guilt. So once it's out of your system, which can take several weeks, those negative feelings might just go away naturally.

I hope you'll stick around and let us know how you're doing.

R. Lee 03-09-2015 03:00 PM

Hysteria, How are you doing?

Please don't take what is said here as advice. Look at it as experience, strength & hope.

Hysteria 03-09-2015 05:46 PM

I appreciate you guys checking in on me.

It's actually tougher today because of a wild day at work. Co-workers are meeting at the bar to unwind, and for once, I didn't follow.

Still a day at a time...

Millie 03-09-2015 05:58 PM

Great move, not going along. You can do this!

R. Lee 03-09-2015 10:01 PM

Hysteria, Good move not going along with the crowd. We have to avoid people, places & things. Easy to say but not so easy to do.

Tryntryagain 03-10-2015 09:25 AM

Good afternoon Hysteria. Bright blessings to you.

Cracking idea to "sit that one out". For us that cant stop drinking when we start it makes simple sense to avoid those situations. It is sometimes not possible, and if and when those cirumstances arise i make a point of saying, "no thank you, i do not drink. A nice glass of.....would be nice, thank you". My experience is that almost all i have said that to, respect that completely without any question. As a drinking alcoholic i assumed everyone drank, like a smoker, it is not unusual for people to chose sobriety, it is just challenging for us.

Not going along i feel could represent a big step for you. I can remember turning down my first drink, i felt like bursting into song!!!!!

Keep focused, as Millie said, you can do this! Loveness to you Hysteria.

DianeC 03-10-2015 11:33 AM

You're so right, R. Lee. Last night I was out with some friends, and wine was ordered. I really wanted to order one glass, but I didn't. I knew one would turn into more. I ate my dinner with a glass of water and left. I remember the times I'd order wine and think I was having a great time. The next day I'd think of the stupid things I said when drinking. I'm given to calling people up or texting them or sending them an email when I've had drinks. I just want to communicate, and communicating when drinking is bad news. Some of these people are not people I would normally interact with all that much and some I do interact with (which is probably more embarrassing). This usually makes me feel really embarrassed later because I'm sure I said silly things or bragged about myself or something dumb. I feel depressed for days after that. It's not worth the pain that comes from being out of control. I don't want to feel like that again.

R. Lee 03-10-2015 03:16 PM

DianeC, That is in the past as long as we do not pick up that 1st. drink. Stay strong. You will find that you will not want to be around drinking.

gmasusie 03-10-2015 06:32 PM

Thanks, RLee, for always being there for all of us. We need the reminders.

Susie

lostdog 03-10-2015 06:42 PM

Hysteria good for you. It's your choice and you are going along well.

iamtrying 03-10-2015 07:44 PM

Hysteria...good job....stay away from triggers...

Hysteria 03-30-2015 03:13 PM

I had a rough weekend. I have slipped a few times but I'm having some good days here and there too. Last night I couldn't sleep. This is going to be a long road. Sometimes I wonder if its even possible, but I will keep trying.

lostdog 03-30-2015 03:35 PM

Hysteria, it is nice to hear from you and may you have a wonderful day. I read statements everyday to get me in a positive loop and go here for support as well as going to this support group once in a while. May you have a peaceful day and be content in knowing that you are a strong, powerful person.

Millie 03-30-2015 03:58 PM

Good morning, Hysteria. It may not always feel like a choice, but it is. No matter what happens tomorrow, you can choose not to drink today. And I tell you this from experience -- the longer you don't drink, the lower the anxiety gets. I had some idea that alcohol was contributing to my anxiety and depression, but as it turns out, it was actually causing it. So the long road is worth it, as long as you remember that you can only take that road one day at a time.

I liken that to running up an intimidating hill. When I am out running and a big hill comes up, the only way I can make it all the way up is to keep my eyes right in front of my feet. If I look at the top of the hill, psychology takes over and I'll get too tired and stop.

You're certainly doing the right thing by coming here for support. It has helped me so much. I also can't recommend enough, exercise and staying busy. And sipping herbal tea in the evenings...

Please forgive yourself, and please do use us for support. Hugs to you.

Hysteria 03-30-2015 04:22 PM

Thank you, everyone. I don't sleep when I don't drink, which makes for some long nights, and often, even longer days afterwards. I too struggle with depression, and while I know the booze is contributing to that, if I can numb it for a little while, it seemed worth it at the time.

No one knows how much I struggle with this. Even close family and friends. It's my private little hell. That's another reason this is tough but I can't help but feel as if I'm very near a breakthrough.

I will not drink today. I know that much.

Millie 03-30-2015 04:32 PM

My struggle was very private too. That's why this group was so important. Being able to open up about it can really help, and I hope you'll continue to.

You may already know this, but alcohol seriously messes with your sleep cycle, and quitting can cause insomnia for a while as your neurotransmitters and hormones re-regulate. My sleep was wretched for about a week after my last little bender back in February. I drank valerian tea before bed, which helped a little, but it was still bad.

But! It did even out, and to my surprise I started finding myself appropriately sleepy at bedtime with a book or a crossword instead of wine. Enduring the insomnia was worth it.

Good sleep vibes coming your way...

R. Lee 03-30-2015 05:21 PM

Hysteria, Break it down to segments like you are doing. You just have to get through that urge one urge at a time. You are worth it.

gmasusie 03-30-2015 05:39 PM

Hysteria,

Valerian also comes in capsules. Melatonin can help with the sleep also.

Don't give up. We are here for support.

Susie

Millie 03-30-2015 05:52 PM

In another thread you said you get an urge going home from work. I had an association too with going home from nighttime rehearsals. Someone here suggested taking a different route home. Eventually the association/trigger broke. It can happen.

I can see sadness in your words, and I want you to know there is hope, and like gmasusie said, you have us to support you.

Hysteria 03-30-2015 10:05 PM

Thanks, Millie.

I read a quote I really like... "Do something today that you will thank yourself for a year from now."

I'm trying.

Tryntryagain 03-31-2015 09:10 AM

Good afternoon Hysteria. Bright blessings to you.

Goodness, i understand how difficult sleeping is without alcohol! I think what i experienced more than anything else in the early days was quite how vivid and...well.....dreams they were. Whilst drinking, nothing, all of a sudden.....blam!!!

I can offer an explanation. As we know our brains have chemicals and whatnot doing their thing. If, over continuous periods of time" those chemicals are consistently altered, our brains, "adapt".

For example. If someone who smokes ciggerettes heavily, and when they wake up and say...3am for the loo....then have a ciggy, if that goes on for more than 3 nights....the 4th night, he does not want the loo....but his brain will wake him up to say, "where is my 3am ciggy".

For us it works the other way round. We are used to going to bed with alot of drink. Our brains at that point we "fall into bed", has been sedated. (It is why a drunk will wake up very early in the morning once the "sedation" has worn off.) The problem is that once we stop, say its, 10-11pm, we have done well, 1st day, 1st week without alcohol.....frankly at that time our brains are asking us what on earth is going on. This is "not what i am used to".

Please Hysteria, stick with it, soon the brain goes..."oh ok, i get it now, bedtime".

I agree with Millie in that i hear the sadness in you. All i can say is that although in the walls that you can look around you it may feel like a private hell, many, many here will relate to how you are feeling, although the hope i can offer is that here....it maybe hell......but it ain't private!

Being able to share with us how challenging being alone feels and is, here the reflection of you, will soothe you.

Be peaceful, keep sharing and be kind to yourself. Loveness to you Hysteria

Hysteria 03-31-2015 09:53 AM

Rolling into day 2. Feeling better than expected even though I didn't sleep well. Taking it one moment at a time. Just staying in the present. Not even thinking about later today or tonight. Just this moment.

lostdog 03-31-2015 10:36 AM

That is good stay in the present. Enjoy it and do something to pamper yourself. You are very special.

gmasusie 03-31-2015 10:40 AM

One hour...one day at a time.

R. Lee 03-31-2015 01:08 PM

Hysteria, Stay in today. You only have to this one day at a time. Tomorrow is not here yet.

Millie 03-31-2015 01:13 PM

Yep, what the others said. Every moment is new.

Glad you're feeling okay. Hang in there!

gmasusie 04-02-2015 05:59 PM

Let us hear from you!

Susie


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