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jenm 01-01-2015 04:23 PM

The Struggle of it all!
 
Hi Friends!

I could use some prayer/good thoughts these days. Many things in 2014 have been just awful, and some things continue to be that way. Note: No worries about drinking. I am sober! I also plan to stay that way, one day at a time.

I have hope for a brighter future, I thank the Lord for His saving grace and know that it is His plan, not mine. And not on my timeline, either!

Happy New Year to all, although mine isn't so "happy" at the moment, I do not lose my faith at all. Thanks for listening, Jenm

Saint 01-01-2015 04:58 PM

Happy New Year Jenn. I hope things turn around for you and yours.

Peace,
Saint

R. Lee 01-01-2015 08:48 PM

Jenn, You are on my prayer list. Stay strong things will work out.

lostdog 01-01-2015 08:51 PM

You are on my prayer list right now. Good for you to reach out and express yourself and may your new year be bright and filled with hope and love.

Tryntryagain 01-02-2015 10:28 AM

Good afternoon dear Jenm. Bright blessings to you.

When i first joined i think it was the first day you held out your hand to me and offered me friendship and support. Thank goodness i survived long enough to take it.

I have been in some rotten places since you have known me Jenm, you have been a part of seeing me through them all. Its not like Jenm to feel overwhelmed.

It's really ok Jenm. You have reached out and we are here. If it would help to unravel the impossible, give it a go, it may help. Dearest Jenm, i do not have faith in the way you have. My respect for your faith complete. I have bags full of faith myself however in different things.

I have faith that when i am in moments of weakness, or i am afraid, or things feel like they are getting on top of me, i come to the family and say, just what you said. My faith means to me that the family wil understand why things are the way they are, that i am normal to find things a tad challenging, and then something i have only just learnt.....everyone says they have "faith in me". Huh? I thought faith belonged just to God.

I have it on good authority that one is allowed to have faith in themselves, and mores the point, one can have faith in another.

Jenm, you empowered me to have faith in myself, and always promoted that by giving it to me.

Right back at ya Jenm, i have faith in you, we have faith in you. Spend a little time having faith in yourself. Dont give all your faith away hey?, save some for yourself.

My thoughts are with you. Be patient, be strong. Loveness to you dear Jenm.

gmasusie 01-02-2015 11:04 AM

Although we can never know the pain that others suffer, we can still empathize and be available to them.

You have always been available to all of us here who are in pain. Now let us return the favor. Let us take up a little of your burden to lighten your load. "We get by with a little help from our friends."

You know we care. Love, Susie

jenm 01-02-2015 01:03 PM

Ok you made me cry! Which is a good thing. :) I am so happy I taught an hour lifting class at the gym this am. Then I put on my headphones, got on the elliptical at a crazy hard setting, and just pounded it for another half hour. I was drenched with sweat. It was awesome.

Tomorrow my oldest son turns 16. He is such a blessing as are both of his brothers. We may not have much, but we have each other. And I have all of you.

Thank you for being here for me, always. By God's loving mercy and grace, I do not have to drink today. Such an amazing thing! Love you all, Jenm

gmasusie 01-02-2015 01:14 PM

It is amazing!

Sam Bailey 01-02-2015 01:34 PM

Hi Jen,

I'm sorry that 2014 was such a crappy year. Sorrier still that you find yourself in such heartpain as we all begin this New Year. Just sorry that you're troubled and sad.

While each of our stories is different in specifics, in the broader sense they're pretty much the same. Active addiction, whether with booze or dope, just about ruined us and, too often, our families and all those who love us.

We have all been lost in the dark night of the soul. I have vivid memories, now years since my own active addiction, of pretending all was fine, just fine---but when I found myself alone, I remember, still, those many times I would break apart, those times I would crawl on top of my bed and...weep.

Oh, how lost I was!

Yet today, though life still has its challenges and struggles, I am found. Yes, yes, still frightened, at times; still worried, lots. But today I have let go.....mostly.

Jen? Do the best you can. Sounds to me that you're doing this. Make the best decisions you can make. Separate yourself from ALL those people whose own darkness threatens you. No, not an easy thing. But still...

Yes, you are, I believe, a blessed woman. Struggling too, okay so you are. But not forever or for always, God willing.

Anyway. Again I am rambling. I do so want to say to you the perfect thing, the thing that will, like presto!, ease your heartache. Alas, I don't know what that is.

Except for this one thing I know, based on what I've read from you on this site. You're a good person, Jen. A damn good and decent woman. And most probably, one heck of a TERRIFIC Mom!

Ask me, that's already a pretty darned good legacy!

Anyway.

best,

sam b

jenm 01-02-2015 08:39 PM

Thanks so much Sam....and Susie.....and Tryn.....R Lee....Saint....and lostdog.....you are all so amazing!

I really do have a positive attitude and (usually) a ton of energy. I love people. I love working with them, helping them, teaching them fitness, yelling fitness related things at them, jumping up and down with them, and on and on. :)

I know that I will get through this, and that all that happens is in God's plan. Whether I like it or not! Truly, this life is but a blink of an eye when compared to eternity. I do thank God this evening that I am not where I used to be - as far as alcohol. Oh how I thank God for that! I continue to pray that my brother will stop drinking himself to death but I have removed myself from that drama - I had to. I love him and I continue to pray for him, but I cannot be a part of that lifestyle. I don't do that anymore. Thank you all for your wonderful and kind words.

Tomorrow I will take my oldest son to the DOT to get his first driver's license. Next year I will do the same for my second son, and then in 10 more years I will do the same thing with my 3rd son. haha! Love, Jenm

michaelc232 01-02-2015 10:18 PM

Hey Jen. I'm sorry to hear that you are going through a rough time. It seems that you are keeping a positive outlook though. I admire that so much. It's so true that of it weren't for the storms of life, we could never truly appreciate the sunlight. I hope the sun comes back out for you soon. Love you friend!

Michael

Tryntryagain 01-03-2015 05:59 AM

Good morning Jenm. Bright blessings to you.

I just wanted to pop in and wish your boy a very happy 16th birthday. I hope you all have a wonderful birthday together.

Happy 16th Birthday Jenm's boy!!

Be peaceful, be joyful. Loveness to you and your boy Jenm

gmasusie 01-03-2015 10:49 AM

Jenm,

So sorry about your brother. We are going through similar problems with our son. I keep reminding myself that the only person I have any control over is myself. Setting the example is all I can do.

Our granddaughter just got her license this summer. She is a better driver than her mother!!!

Jenm, you are our sunshine. We all love you. When you hurt, we keep you in our thoughts and prayers. I hope it helps. Love, Susie

Tryntryagain 01-10-2015 10:17 AM

Good afternoon Jenm. Bright blessings to you.

I got off the bus......and had no choice but to "slide" past your place.

I know things are difficult at the mo Jenm, and i know your weather is atrocious, so i thought it might "help" if i suggested you "moved". Warmer countries a good starting point. ......

Oh hold on, stop me when i am wrong. You live in the USA. If you wanted you could go up to go skiing, left for a bar b q, right for the desert....right?

Your kids, as you, have had, frankly enough. Okie dokey.......we are all going to live where the cowboys live, (minus the horses and hat), get away from the cold, etc etc. Jenm...i bet you one of your american cheesburgers that gives me a heart attack reading the menu, (i never knew there so many animals in the world with cheese on them), when all is said and done.......there is nothing better than pushing your car through the snow to appreciate home.

I am not making light of the tough times you are in Jenm. Just trying to make tough times....light.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be Jenm. Loveness to you Jenm.

lostdog 01-10-2015 01:36 PM

Hope he has a happy birthday Jenm and take care of yourself too. You have such a nice attitude all the time and I love hearing from you.
Hey Tryn, I live with the horses and hats.:)

gmasusie 01-10-2015 03:58 PM

Hang in there, Jenm. I grew up in Missouri, shoveling snow! My husband used to use his pickup truck to pull people out of the ditch when we were in HS.

Lostdog, I live in Albuquerque! Where are your horses and hats?

Susie

jenm 01-10-2015 05:50 PM

Thank you all! It is like you knew I needed this encouragement today - I am so grateful for all of you! Despite going through tough times, I know that it is temporary. God did not begin a good work in me not to complete it! What a blessing it is to have the support of so many good people. I'm so lucky! Take care! Jenm

lostdog 01-10-2015 07:30 PM

Susie,Why the great state of Texas, of course.

gmasusie 01-10-2015 11:34 PM

Of course!! See you next time we go to Mobile!!

Jenm, You are such a great mom and daughter. If you need help with the rest, go get it! We love you and have faith that it will get better.

Love, Susie

R. Lee 01-11-2015 10:49 AM

jenm, Accepting life on life's terms is not always easy to do.

Stay strong.

Tryntryagain 01-11-2015 04:03 PM

Good evening Jenm. Bright blessings to you.

It is so lovely as a fellow from Blighty listening and reading how you all share your love. Where you all come from, well frankly i dream of the places you all come from.

Jenm, 1 thing i would like to run past you......"God did not begin a good work in you not to complete it?".......Dear Jenm, you are not a work in progress, God has done his business. I expect that God wishes kindness and love to be the order of the day, to reach out to others to help them on their way, to have a heart that stands up for values and principles, and a soul that knows how difficult that is.

For me you are someone God would be extremely proud of, i know i am.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be Jenm. Loveness to you Jenm.

gmasusie 01-11-2015 05:03 PM

Here, here, Tryn!

jenm 01-12-2015 12:47 PM

Awwwww thank you! I am so grateful for you, Tryn. And Susie - and all!

It helps me to focus more on one thing at a time. I get all crazytown when I think of everything all at once. It is getting better, a little at a time. :) Jenm

Saint 01-13-2015 12:57 PM

Jenm,
Glad to hear things are getting better for you. Even if it is a little at a time. Sending positve thoughts your way!

((((Hugggggss))))

Saint

Tryntryagain 01-18-2015 09:43 AM

Good afternoon Dear Jenm. Bright blessings to you.

I wanted to thank you for all the love and prayers you have shared with me. It makes me so very lucky in that love, from all its sources has been given to me.

I just wanted to say that i know this week will be difficult as it is the anniversary of your Fathers passing. Forgive me if it is the wrong day but i think it is on Wednesday?

I just want you to know, my thoughts and my soul will be with you.

Thank you for you Jenm.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you Jenm.

jenm 01-19-2015 08:11 AM

Thank you Tryn! That means so much to me. It is actually on Friday, and the boys and I plan to head out to his grave at the Veterans cemetery. We will go right after school.

It is a privilege and an honor to know you, Tryn. You know I don't sugarcoat and what I say comes from my heart. And no matter what I go through, I realize that my 'true' focus is on eternity and I am so thankful for God's loving grace. Thank you, for YOU! Love, Jenm

gmasusie 01-19-2015 10:41 AM

I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Love, susie

Tryntryagain 01-19-2015 02:01 PM

Good evening Dear Jenm. Bright blessings to you.

I like that your true focus is eternity. It means all of us can be infinite.

I know i am a Blighty fellow, and over here we call it "maths", and my dear friends on the other side of the pond say "math"......but i do believe Dear Jenm, that is important not to wait for eternity, it starts with you. As an entity, it is your eternity to have. That adds up. Certainly worth waiting up for.

Jenm?, You know folk talk about choices, and how important it is in our journey into sustained sobriety to accept that those choices belong to us? Any alcoholic that has lived long enough to become sober, i think deserves any choice that enables them the intimate independence sobriety brings. Why and how this family empowers me, is that any part of my being, is my choice.

As an analogy, if i drive "my car", i only notice others that drive the same. Somehow, all the other cars on the road are "invisible"......the gift we have as alcoholics celebrating sobriety a day at a time, is that the experience of alcoholism means that now we can see, we can see an awful, awful lot.

Jenm, alcohol shut down my willingness to care about anything apart from myself. I did not plan it that way, but i am afraid hindsight very much makes it look that way. I do not dispute I had only really ever known mind altering substances, imagine finding your own mind eh?
WOW!

It is unravelling infront of this family, and energy is the key. Motivation, "we can do this together"....my prayer in the morning.

I remember, Ooo, about a year or so ago, i was drinking, then not, then was, then not, i was driving myself bonkers, I came and read a post you had left me.

Here i was in Blighty, an alcoholic that nobody could possibly understand.......dont get me wrong Jenm, i really thought i was the only alcoholic on the planet, (i know!), and i read your post...and eh?.....cant be?....an alcoholic?.....never.

I think it was the day you expressed how you had just run around the world, (felt like it to me), and once finished, you carried it home on your shoulders.

My eyes, glazed and drunken looked at the screen and went....."I WANT THAT!!!".

A couple of years on, i am proud to say that dear Jenm, i have trainers......and boy.....you're right....they look so good in the box!

On Friday i shall be thinking of you, your journey with the history your Father must have had, and gave you. I shall also take time to remember why i am thinking of you, because your journey and the love that you shared with me in my beginnings in the family here, empowered me to stay alive. Seriously.

1 last thing Jenm..... Re "sugar coating".....sober alcoholics and sweeties?, i would sugar coat my guitar if my fingers didn't stick to it.

I shall pop round on Friday to see how you are.

Be restful, (not much chance of that), be peaceful, (too busy), be healthy, (what do you think i am doing!!?), but most of all, be strong. Loveness to you Jenm.

Tryntryagain 01-23-2015 08:11 AM

Good afternoon Jenm. Bright blessings to you.

I realise this may be a challenging day for you.

My thoughts, love and heart are with you on this day.

Be strong. Loveness to you dear Jenm.

gmasusie 01-23-2015 09:35 AM

I hope today is serene and peaceful for you and the boys.

Love, Susie

lostdog 01-23-2015 02:12 PM

I am forwarding peace and love to you, like Susie did. Hope your day is nice.

jenm 01-23-2015 03:44 PM

Thanks! The boys and I are going to head out to the Veteran's cemetery when school is out for the day. Taught a fitness class, had lunch with a dear friend, and have been in prayer much of the day. All is well with my soul. Love, Jenm

R. Lee 01-23-2015 05:52 PM

Way to go jenm!!

Saint 01-23-2015 11:04 PM

Thinking of you. Glad to hear all is right with your soul.

Peace,
Saint

gmasusie 02-03-2015 10:36 AM

Jenm,

How did the visit to the cemetary go? How are you? We know you're busy, but we like to hear from you.

Love, Susie

jenm 02-03-2015 01:20 PM

Hi!

Our visit went well. My oldest son drove us there and back. :) We got over a foot of snow the other day in this giant storm, and yesterday I had a pipe burst and it flooded part of my basement. As of this morning, we now have water again and the insurance guy has been here. It is just things - I don't care about things, it can all be fixed/replaced. Busy day today with 3 fitness classes and running boys to/from school. Despite the mess downstairs, I found out that being without water in a home with 3 boys gets the laundry quite backed up! :) Jenm

R. Lee 02-03-2015 01:24 PM

jenm, Great attitude. Keep it up.

Tryntryagain 02-03-2015 05:41 PM

Good evening Jenm. Bright blessings to you.

I just want to say from my perspective that the fact your son drove you there says it all for me.

It is "just things"...yup sure are, but you manage and cope. The washing piles up, but it will be done, the chores become silly and overwhelming, the children become even bigger children, and so life moves like the wishes of the oceans.

I do not know what it must be like to be bestowed a pride and a "something to take forward", i feel i should slumber away from something i know little about, but want to hug and show you people care so much.

Be peaceful, (i have to say)...keep jumping up and down for us all, Loveness to you Dear Jenm

gmasusie 02-03-2015 11:44 PM

Jenm,

What a great opportunity to load boys, homework, picnic, and laundry for a field trip to the laundromat!!!!

I promise, I am not making light of your situation. I can remember crying over stuff like that. I also drank over stuff like that; I just don't remember it.

We all admire your ability to cope with the ups and downs of being a single mom.

We love you.

lostdog 02-04-2015 01:31 PM

I love to read about your fitness activities. Keep it up.

Tryntryagain 02-04-2015 02:55 PM

Good evening dear Jenm. Bright blessings to you.

I may have a solution to burst pipes, washing backing up and whatnot. I have decided to start a new business. It is going to be called "Muttiland". Oh yes.

My company will essentially be a "care company", but the staff will be dogs. (I'll answer the phones). My dogs will; be trained in all facets of human frailtys, and all have a certified desire to collects papers and slippers. I happen to have 2 dogs that.....for a fee.....(17 dog biscuits each) will enable you to sit back while one sorts out the socks and whatnot, whilst the other, (who due to his age now wears glasses), creates to perfect wash cycle. (The burst pipe scenario brilliant placated by a tail whilst action is required.) Each dog comes with a criminal dog kennel check, and i have to say are amiable characters.

If you wish their services, please do not hesitate to drop me a line at "Muttiland, dogs for what?, Blighty" and ask for Spin and his brother Dry.

Loveness dear Jenm.

jenm 02-04-2015 03:58 PM

Hahahahaha!!!! I love it, Tryn! Sign me up. Especially sorting socks. How does my washer/dryer magically lose one sock to a pair every single time I do laundry? Where do all of these lost socks go? Are my sons eating them? The cats?

I wish I could show you a picture of the laundry piles on the couch. Pick through it boys, it's clean. :) Right now I have to go teach a fitness class and then head to bible study.

I had a good job interview today at a prison. It is for a teaching position through the college. Please pray for this possible opportunity for me.

This is funny to me - the company that insurance sent to clean up the water/mess has been WONDERFUL. So helpful and kind. These two guys have been over everyday since this happened checking on the giant dehumidifier and the giant 3 fans that are running 24/7. 2 out of my 3 cats have been in hiding for 2 days because they are scared of the noise - EXCEPT when they hear a can of food opening, in which case they run toward the kitchen from wherever they are hiding. Jenm

Tryntryagain 02-07-2015 11:56 AM

Good evening dear Jenm. Bright blessings to you.

Have you heard about the teaching op at prison yet? Tryn sends all he is in prayers and hopes for you. I can tell this is something you very much want. I also happen to know you are the sort of person that makes things happen if at all possible.

My, you have alot on, what with humidifiers and whatnot, and i feel for your cats. I am not a cat person, as cats are not usually people cats! I had 2 once, Scribble, (mum) and Rosie. (daughter), what a miserable pair of @~~~~. I lived in the countryside at the time and 1 day i bought a Goldie pup. (Retriever) He was called Bosley. Well, the minute the little pup waddled into the cottage, off went sulky Rosie. I got worried after a few days and would call out her name across the fields in the hope she had lost her hump. No joy. Then one day, not to put too fine a point to it, i was in the bathroom looking out the window and 3 fields away was Rosie sitting on a fence post. I ran out....Rosie....Rosie.....and off she ran. Next day she was a field closer, and then the next, and the day after that in she strode as if nothing had happened. Took a good look at Bosley, (who ran behind me), and the staus quo was restored.

Pussycats eh?

My thoughts, strength and loveness to you dear Jenm

gmasusie 02-07-2015 12:38 PM

Jenm! Sounds like an exciting job! Right up my alley! Except I don't play well with adults. I used to have to drink to deal with parents at Open House. I just have no patience with them like I do adolescents. I guess I am where I ought to be!

Your faith and ability to avoid being judgmental will stand you in good stead. Please keep us posted.

I believe that service helps keep us sober; I don't care if the service is paid or not. Teaching and counseling for 25+ years was service. I didn't make enough to call it any thing else! Also, it was where my heart was.

My volunteering now makes me feel useful and helps me avoid alcohol. So, it's good for me, and I believe it is good for the students.

Keep us posted!

Love, Susie

jenm 02-07-2015 05:18 PM

Thanks Tryn and Susie! I will not hear for another week or so if I even get a 2nd interview. I will keep you posted!

Tryn I have 3 indoor cats, the older two are brothers and their personalities are completely opposite. One is scared of everything and everyone and the other is very snuggly and is a lap cat. Then there is the baby who isn't even 1 yet and I think that he thinks he is a dog. All 3 act like they hate each other and then I'll go downstairs and they are all sleeping together on the bed. :)

I know what you mean, Susie. We do not do this because it makes us rich! I don't really care about money or things, though. It would be nice to have the bills caught up, but that will happen. The Lord has provided somehow for me as a single mom for several years, we are all ok! Love, Jenm

gmasusie 02-07-2015 11:19 PM

Glad to hear it. I know bills are constantly nagging. I hope this works out if it is what you want.

lostdog 02-11-2015 09:38 PM

good luck Jenm, do you know we both had an interview on the same day. How about that. We gave each other positive vibes. take care.

Saint 02-11-2015 11:38 PM

Jen,
Here's to hoping you get that 2nd interview though I do worry for you about the setting, prison. You are an inspiration for me. I don't know how you do it with all the boys and all you have going on.

Regards,
Saint

Tryntryagain 02-12-2015 09:46 AM

Good afternoon dear Jenm. Bright blessings to you.

I am just sending you my thoughts and wishes that you may be offered the 2nd interview.

You are in my thoughts.

Good luck and loveness to you Jenm

Tryntryagain 02-20-2015 01:51 PM

Good evening dear Jenm. Bright blessings to you.

Quick post, when i took a drink the other night.....thank you for being there.

Loveness and strength Jenm.


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