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Sam Bailey 07-29-2016 09:49 PM

Hi Lost Dog!

How in the world did I miss your earlier post? Miss it though I did. Thank you for your support. Once again, you are a testament to your own kindness.

And you are right, LD, we all have very much the same story, too often filled with sadness and heartache and, ultimately, self destruction. It has been the only way we know to keep the pain out, to destroy our heartache even as we destroy our lives and the lives of those we love.

We have, however, awakened ourselves to this terrible life plan. Today we are awake and are able, at least, to try to change it, to take the road toward life instead of toward death and darkness.

Thanks, LD. And, again, apologies for missing your post.

sam

lostdog 07-29-2016 10:05 PM

oh it's all good, we are awakened and sometimes want to sleep, easy to do and did many times. I appreciate your complements very much, that is very nice.I checked out 3 books today some Steinbeck books and Plath poems. So I will go read, cause I am lonely, but embracing the time I have with myself and dogs. I hope your weekend brings you pain relief soon, bless you to get better. and your meeting was inspiring.

Sam Bailey 07-30-2016 10:00 PM

Hey Folks,

We just returned from the NoHo District (of LA), which was once one of the more rundown suburbs of Los Angeles, now transformed into a genuine Theatre District.

Yeah, maybe a touch pretentious, 75% of the people on the sidewalks are out of work actors---and they're all young and gorgeous. Ha! Only slightly exaggerating.

Shops everywhere, clothes and antiques. Art galleries. And small theater? Dude! Every other building that ISN'T a Tex-Mex Restaurant, is a freaking theatre. But they are small, literally little theatre. Non Actor's Equity, which means the actors must get a waiver from SAG in order to work.

Anyway. Young Noah and I caught the 2nd to last performance of a show at one of the theaters. We saw, in an extended run, "Bill W and Dr. Bob," the "story" of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I'll refrain from writing a review, other than to say the actors were all pros, some lesser, some greater.

What WAS wonderful was the experience of small theatre. There were something like 45 seats in the house (of our theater). So you are reallllly up close and personal with the actors.

Yet. it is such a good way to experience this kind of entertainment. Dramatic acting, musicals. Classics to brand new.

Yes, the streets do overflow with would-be actors/actresses. But these folks, you gotta give it up to them, they're doing it! Ok, well, they are TRYING to do it. They're following a dream.....and it is just such fun to be a part of their experience.

And that it was with my son? All the better!!!

sam

Alexis 07-31-2016 04:31 AM

sounds great Sam! hope i get to america one day! x

Tryntryagain 07-31-2016 06:14 AM

Good morning dear, dear Sam. Bright blessings to you.

That sounded absolutely sublime my brother. What a lovely experience. I hear what you are saying and mean about that part of town being "transformed" if you like. When i go back to London, where i used to know every crack, on every pavement, (sidewalk!), i knew the colours of every single door so i did, now?....i feel like a tourist! How much of it has changed and evolved. The roofs i used to live on, no longer accessible, the dark and dangerous back streets now well lit and housing for those whose lives are blessed with money,.....and lots of it.

To be seated so close to the action, i wonderful way of perceiving the show. I often went to the Minerva theatre in Cornwall. It is open air cut into the rock. The stone stage only upstaged by the lapping ocean. Shakespeare would have been proud to see his plays gifted in such a place.

Following their dreams for sure. Conviction, determination and a blindness to failure, quite a bunch of qualitys for a human bod to have.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you dearest Sam

lostdog 07-31-2016 08:14 AM

sounds nice, I like small theatres also. The last time I went was with my youngest son, too. I will fly into LAX soon when my oldest lets us know when to come for his big event. The event I was at was for mindfulness yesterday and it helps you capture those moments like with your son. The evidence based research says they can measure the lower anxiety. Interesting... take care glad it was a nice day for you and you shared it so vividly, thank you!

Millie 08-01-2016 03:44 PM

That does sound wonderful. I did some acting in a younger day... when was young and gorgeous (more than slightly exaggerating). Was an okay actor, but I have a terrible memory for words (go figure) so remembering lines was a problem. I admire people who can remember all those words AND do something with them.

Performed at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival back in the '90s, and it sounds similar... every little hole in the wall became a venue. So fun. One play about Hare and Burke was even partially staged in a cemetery at night.

And I love that you got to spend some time with your son. :)

gmasusie 08-02-2016 12:06 PM

Little Theater is so much fun, a good way to spend time with your son. You sound good, Sam. It is always good to hear from you.

Love, Susie

lostdog 08-02-2016 09:04 PM

we as women only grow more pretty......and wise and so you too, have a nice day Millie!

Alexis 08-03-2016 06:44 PM

How you doing sam? how are the tenants? hows your knee? hows life? :D xx

lostdog 08-03-2016 07:38 PM

how are you Sam? I put something for Millie here too. Hope you are doing well.

Tryntryagain 08-04-2016 03:55 AM

Good morning dear dear Sam. Bright blessings to you.

Where have you gone Sam? Is all well on the streets of California? As my sisters have said, are you repairing my brother? Ribs and whatnot? I want you to know you are in my thoughts, as always.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you dearest Sam

Sam Bailey 08-04-2016 10:27 AM

Hey Andy, Hi All!

Thanks for checking in/up on me.

In most matters, all is well. Reasonably well. Slings and arrows of daily life...and all that jazz.

My ribs are healing; my knees are, well---the jury is still out on that one. I'm going to Physical Therapy twice a week for those wretched things, though I've just started. So, we shall see.

My tenant problems have escalated. They've refused to pay this month's rent. And while I have a wide open heart to folks with money issues, and other problems too, so I believe and so I hope---I have increasingly great anger at con artists, which these people may be.

Furthermore, while I also believe that tenant's rights are necessary, it is a huge freaking problem (in California, for instance) to evict the wicked tenant.

Mrs. Sam, in particular, personalizes these things. She's bent backwards trying to service those bastards---and yet...Frankly, as awful as I know this sounds, I despise them. Their behavior, is that more accurate? I don't know. I hate that they have this effect on my wonderful wife.

Ahhh, damn---truly does raise my blood pressure.

At the same time, the blue days seem to have rolled around. Once again. And yep, it colors all my life, those blue days do.

Anyway. I do recognize, I do!, that I have so much to be grateful for. One has wins and one has losses. Right?

Blah blah blah.

Again, thanks.

sam

lostdog 08-04-2016 12:41 PM

I do hope things get better with the tenants and being blue does come and go, we are human and sometimes those chemicals in the brain need some boosting with exercise,sunshine,talking, or a good pat on the back. I can give you the pat as you are multiplying x 10 doing a great job with you life and family, so I hope you feel bright today, take care and lots of support to you...

Millie 08-04-2016 03:43 PM

Sorry about all of that, Sam. Yuck.

I hope the blues lift soon. Guess we have to have them, otherwise we wouldn't appreciate the happy times so much.

Alexis 08-04-2016 05:02 PM

Sam, im sorry you are going through that, its not fair and especially must be sad to see it affecting your wife. Im sorry.

Please keep smiling, you bring us so much joy and love here, dont know how we would cope without you! :)

and remember...


put on your red shoes and dance the blues...

Love you xx

R. Lee 08-05-2016 10:23 AM

It will work out Sam. Do the footwork to evict them, then be willing to accept the eviction process. Simple message but not always easy to do. This too will pass.

Have a good one Sam.

Saint 08-05-2016 03:10 PM

Hang in there Sam. Thinking of you and your situation. I'm sure it's frustrating.

Peace,
Saint

lostdog 08-09-2016 08:09 AM

How's your day going Sam ? Hope it is a nice day for you.

Tryntryagain 08-10-2016 07:33 AM

Good afternoon my dear Sam. Bright blessings to you.

How are you doing my brother? What is happening for you?

How are your ribs, your knees, the tenants, how is your little lot?

Do you know how lucky i am?.....Let me tell you.

I wake up in my dear ole Blighty around about 5.30am-5.45am, i take Rolo out for his morning wander and i think.

I think and think, and think again.

It is early doors and i think of my brothers and sisters in the big place. I go through you all such is my love for you all. I think of all of what you all are. So my dear R Lee i will speak to out loud when i am frightened, i talk to....and so on...and so on.

I talk to you every morning in my head. I ask for your wisdom, i ask for you.

I imagine what you would say to any given situation, and my rather large mouth, smiles, broadly. I can feel "it's all going pear shaped".....1 simple thought of you, and that feeling changes within me.

Back in my day there was a Blighty saying, i dunno, maybe it was the same in the big place, yet it was "an angel in disguise"......

My dear friend, i don't know if you know this, yet you ****** up the disguise bit.

You are simply an angel to me.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you dearest Sam

lostdog 08-13-2016 09:30 AM

hey Sam what's going on in Cali? and with your life, hope you are doing well.

Sam Bailey 08-16-2016 05:09 PM

Hey Guys!

Thanks to all y'all for asking about me. I'm okay. Good in lots of ways. Not so good in a handful of others.

More later. For now, I think I'll take in another meeting. a 3pm deal. Truth though? I don't really feel like going. In fact, I would rather stay home with the AC blasting the hot from my home.....and there's lots-of-hot to blast. SoCal is on fire...in some places, that's a literal fact.

Anyway.

So, I am off.

best,

sam

R. Lee 08-17-2016 09:48 AM

Way to work your program Sam. You ROCK!! Have a good one.

lostdog 08-17-2016 10:15 AM

yes, very nice Sam, I hope it cools off there, it can happen. We went to 112 heat indexes to rain and overcast and cooler weather. best wishes to you!

Alexis 08-17-2016 11:23 AM

awesome Sam :) you are the best!! :) xx

Tryntryagain 08-17-2016 11:59 AM

Good afternoon dear, dear Sam. Bright blessings to you.

I think the big place says, "wayy to gooo!", getting to a meeting with all that going on. Good grief. In my dear ole Blighty we have had a "mini heatwave", so we have. In my neck of the woods it has got as high as 73......for nearly 5 hours........unbearable.

I think although i do not go to meetings, i can really relate to the efforts it takes. For me Sam, this family fills that for me.

But gosh!, that is dedication. You know what they say....."He climbed every mountain, swum every ocean, crossed every desert, crossed plains and jungles alike, to show his commitment, and love of her". Of course she divorced him because he was never at home.

However, i have learnt i had to "commit" to sobriety. I am realising that if i was not allowed to use the word commit, and had to use another word, i would say, "want".

Of all the letters i have read of yours, when i read this simple one around you being "good in some ways, not so good in others", that you were investing what you did in going to your meeting through the fireballs, whatever you did or did not do, you did something massive for me. You made me stop, and think again, how lucky today i am sober. And also what mindfulness needs to be there, a day, and a step at a time.

I the East End when i was young, there was a phrase that was as common as the day of the week.

It was, "Diamond geezer".

You're the largest diamond of all.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you dearest Sam

Sam Bailey 08-18-2016 01:34 PM

Hi Andy!

Thanks, friend. Your efforts at making me feel worthwhile is just one part of the goodness you are. Seriously, a mighty thank you for giving that part of you to...me. You are a kind man.

And all y'all! Thanks too for the continuing kindness you show me. You are all good and kind people.

Thing is, I always appreciate it. Hell, I always like it. I don't, however, always believe it. NOTHING AGINST YOU FOLKS, not at all. It's all me, my private, personal perception. Aka: demons.

As noted, I'm off to the Ortho Doc today at noon. Don't expect much. Likely will offer me pain meds. I want to turn them down. Honestly, don't know that I will.

However, IF I do accept them, HOW will I take them? That's the question.

IDK. Hellfire, maybe I will just pass.

Main issue?

Thing is, I want to be able to run! Ortho doc claims surgery (TKR) is the only way that's possible. Yet, I've rejected the notion for...years! Will I reject it again? Today?

Thing is, I just don't know.

Otherwise, around here, in the neighborhood of the Sam Klan, other than my knee, life is just hunky-damn-dory! HaHa!!

best,

sam

Millie 08-18-2016 01:46 PM

G'mornin, Sam. (I've always wanted to say that to you. Like the sheepdog cartoon...)

The part about not always believing it... I think now I've seen nearly every one of us say something like that. Why do we find it so hard to believe we're worthy and lovable and wonderful? When clearly we are? A friend offered to talk to some people at his lab for me and find out if they were hiring. He knows nothing about me professionally, but believed in me enough to say that. I burst into tears. WTF?

Anyway. You mentioned Mrs. Sam being in charge of the meds before. Is that possible? And I know I've never experienced what you're experiencing, but I would invite you to listen closely with an open mind to your doctor's advice regarding a TKR. I can very much understand how terrifying it must be on several levels, but if it's the only way you're going to get to your goal, it's a solution to a problem that (likely?) is not going to go away on its own. Right? And if it's not perfect, would it be better than it is now?

I'm sure you've thought through all that, and I honestly don't know what I'd do in your position, but I feel for you, man. That must be so tough. Sending all sorts of good vibes for your appointment this afternoon.

lostdog 08-18-2016 03:43 PM

sending only good vibes too, with hugs and peace and luv...can you get a second opinion or from someone in another field who practices alternative stuff. But you can bounce back from surgery quick and you will get well. It will happen....

Tryntryagain 08-19-2016 09:29 AM

Good afternoon dearest Sam. Bright blessings to you.

What happened with the knee doc?

I have so much i want to share with you, yet with the knee diagnosis, that would help.

You ok my brother?

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you dear Sam.

R. Lee 08-20-2016 08:55 PM

Oh Sam so many of us have felt less than. You show me how to stay sober. You know what you have to do taking pain meds.

Have a good one.

Tryntryagain 08-21-2016 06:37 AM

Good morning dear dear Sam. Bright blessings to you.

"However, i don't always believe it"......for me at least, when i share what you mean to me, what i think of you, how special i think you are.....honestly?.....Do you really think i say what i say, your other brothers and sisters say what they do to big you up?

Perception my dear brother. I have had beautiful letters written to me over time, i have read them and wondered who on earth they are talking about. I do not recognise how others feel with the way i feel about myself.

HOWEVER......just hold on a gad damn minute. I sit, i share, i write, and others return my words with theirs. How ever i see myself, the shame i feel i have brought to myself on my journey, it is not possible to deny others thoughts and feelings of me.

My dear R Lee has no problem whatsoever telling me off when i am away with the birds. He brings me down to earth where i belong. I can not force you to see the copious amounts of goodness and love you possess. Your demons, like mine seem to be oblivious of love afforded to oneself. To give love to others is not on the same page as loving oneself....i know that.

It is fair to say that i can properly hate myself. Not for how i choose to go on my way from day to day now, yet i shake my head repeatedly at the mistakes i have made again, and again. I have beaten myself almost senseless, loathed myself to the point of distraction, and then i will come to my family here, and letters that have been written to me paint a completely different story.

I can't ignore them Sam. For whatever i think of me, time and time again my brothers and sisters have shared back to me a part of me i dismiss. A kinda.....

"Well that's all rather lovely.....yet i'm really not that guy. No sirree, im really a ****** up person. Yet it was very sweet of you not to know me in such a nice way",

Sound about right?

It's not on dearest Sam. You simply can not deny the part of you we all see, know and adore. You have an honest wisdom that has certainly moved my journey forward in ways that have given me some courage. You are hysterically funny. You can make a ridiculously important point to someones journey leaving behind tears of laughter. Yet the message has gotton through.

You are a beautiful man who has had a crazy journey. It does not mean you are a crazy man. A man that hurts for sure, yet a man so strong, that he cuts his own to give to others.

I love you very much Sam. It is not possible for Andy to love anyone easily. In order to do so they need to be a real as the rain that falls from the sky.

You may have demons, and perhaps one day we shall all have a "demons party". Until that day, take on board who you really are.

A proper gentleman and a human bod that gives his all.

Demons usually have a problem with that.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you, dearest Sam

Alexis 08-21-2016 11:33 AM

Hey Sam hows your weekend going? xx

gmasusie 08-29-2016 10:05 PM

Sam,

My knee replacement is only 8 weeks old; I am down to 1-1 1/2 pain killers per day. I feel ten years younger. I wish I had done it sooner. I can only speak from my own experience. My surgeon is 33 yrs. old, did residency at KU Med Center and has been doing mostly only these knee replacements for five years. Top of his game. I recommend finding someone similar. They never know as much as they do right out of med. school. For surgery, you want someone with some experience. I could not have asked for better. As I mentioned on my thread, I am down to 1 pain killer a day. I hope to give that up soon.

Good luck, Sam, whatever you decide.

Love, Gma Susie

Sam Bailey 08-30-2016 12:11 PM

Hi Susie,

I posted on your thread...so I won't re-re-repeat myself here.

Oddest thing, my insurance just "declined" my knee surgery. Reason it's odd is this same insurance ok'd the same knee replacement two years ago. Hmm, maybe they think it's all healed? Ha!

I expect I can get them to reverse this decision too. Now, do I WANT them to ok the surgery? Sheesh, I'm STILL going round 'n round with that decision.

But then, I know I ought to just do it. Right? Right. But still, gimme a coupla more days to think about it. Ha!

best,

sam

Alexis 08-30-2016 03:35 PM

How are things bar the knee Sam? :) x

lostdog 08-30-2016 05:20 PM

Wow kinda different to deny it . Maybe a good thing? I hope it's better though. Take care Sam, you are such a sweet guy and deserve the best!

Tryntryagain 09-26-2016 10:37 AM

Good afternoon my dear Sam. Bright blessings to you.

How goes my crazy brother and Mrs Sam on that bonkers planet known as California? How are the knobbly knees with the wobbly courage to go with them eh? Have those more than pesky tenants, parked themselves in someone else's worry in another state yet?

Never mind all that....how are you dear brother? Have you noticed how when you swing by other brothers and sisters places they are left in no doubt that they are missing massive pathways forwards for themselves. You seem to read us like a book. Almost as if you know what could be coming next.

My friend, i would wager we can all do that.....no one does it quite like you though.

It is a rare quality indeed to tell another "you're ***** unless"....and make them laugh from their heart. We all know what shit looks like, and i must say we all have our ways of describing it that makes it new everytime somehow.

When those of us that are frankly scrabbling around in the dirt on that particular day, can see neither arses or elbows, the method in your total, utter and gorgeous madness allows us all to see.

I think i know the answer to this question, yet by jove my favourite Californian freak i am going to ask...

What or who made you this? You are extraordinary. A whirlwind of energy and refreshment for the tired soul. What do you do when yours is tired?

Here's the thing.

When i am given sooo much by another i want to give something back.

So, "i don't want your shoes, your coat, your food. I do not need reassurance, i do not need thoughts and dreams, and do not need to know it is not was it seems."

Tell you what though....i need your company. That is all i need.

Do you ever do that for yourself?

When i sit at my computer and write with Rolo, i point at the screen as he is either on my feet, or sitting up like a statue, just by my side. (He actually goes to sleep like that...sitting up, his eyes close as i tap away) and as i read all the letters by my brothers and sisters, well, all of you make me react in some way.

I will say out loud the name...and Rolo will react in a way, to a name, as he seems to know how i will react to that name.

So picture this.....he's fast asleep on da floor...on my feet.....i read a letter from you....."SAM!" i shout.....Rolo instantly jumps up and thinks he is gong for a walk. You know dogs, there is no point containing it. No point not shouting Sam....he will know....he will know.

Make out of that what you will.

Be good to hear how, (in the big place Ya'll doesn't work in Cally does it? More MWHA...MWHA..) you are getting along dear fellow.

You are in our thoughts.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you dearest Sam

Alexis 09-26-2016 03:29 PM

How you doing Sam? xx

Sam Bailey 09-28-2016 02:12 PM

Hey Andy...Hi Alexis!

Thank you (both) for thinking of me. I would have replied days sooner...if, that is, my laptop had not melted in this savage heat-spell we're having. We of Southern California, I mean. Awful, just awful, heat. Muggy too. And of course no rain. Not a drop; not a smidgen of that wet stuff.

As Noah has many times said, this is the weather that keeps bringing folks to SoCal. And he's right. In many ways, this is perfect weather. Day after day, the same perfect weather. It's driving me mad, I tell you. Mad!! Ha!

So ok, my laptop did not actually melt...though the mind I use to type on it may have melted inside my poor noggin. If not, sure feels close to that melting point.

Oh Tryn'! When you write of your beautiful, wondrous, near-perfect autumn days, I am beyond envious. How I yearn for such cold 'n cuddly weather. Today, this moment! I will testify that I am gonna move somewhere that honestly invites the fall and winter into their state.

When I imagine the weekend fairs, or (yummm) the Farmers Markets in those magical autumn places, I do get a bit wobbly. In my heart, yes. Knees, too.

Speaking of my knees, let me tell you, since you asked, that I will NOT have artificial knees put into my human body until the day comes that I really cannot run. And that day is not yet here. May be next month. But not yet.

Hmm, what else can I deny about my life? HaHa!!

Ok, just a minute! Sorry, was talking to Ruby. She insists we GO NOW. To the park, where else. Today she will, she tells me, swim in the gunky river that (sometimes) flows at the edge of the park.

To me, it is indeed gunky; to her (and I suspect to Rolo and all fellow canines) that river water is far from gunky. To them, it is brilliant, clear, clean and oh so sweet smelling. Ha!

Later, you two crazy kids!

sam


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