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Millie 05-27-2016 07:25 PM

Ugh, yes, isolation. I've found that for me, being high on the HSP scale, I get overwhelmed being around people and *need* some time alone. Well, not alone alone, but in MY quiet space, with MY people. It has taken me a long time to figure out the difference between turning of my brain and limiting my sensory stimulation intentionally.

Anyway. I'm just beyond happy that you have gotten to run. When I was recovering from my injury, I had to do 10 minutes of walking, 2 minutes of running, repeat a few times, for a week. Then 8 minutes of walking, 4 minutes of running, for the next week. SOOOOO gradual it was maddening. But now I feel stronger than ever, because I let it heal properly. Well, that and the custom orthotics a wonderful doctor made for me. But my point? Don't do too much! You know that already. :)

Hope your spirits are well too.

lostdog 05-30-2016 10:00 AM

How are you Sam? It is raining here again, so I can't ride my bike, but will do indoor exercises. Hope you are getting about some and that darn knee is better.

R. Lee 05-31-2016 10:55 AM

Sam, So glad we are able to support you.

Alexis 06-10-2016 05:43 PM

How are you Sam? thanks for your advice on my journal xx

Sam Bailey 06-10-2016 07:10 PM

Hi Alexis,

Thanks for asking about me. I'm okay. Dealing with several property/tenant issues, which is a pain---and might develop into a genuine problem.

A few other issues, maybe problems, rapping at my door. The kind that cause me lots of anxiety.....which results in worry and fear.

Knees totally suck. I'm seeing an Ortho Specialist on, I think, Wednesday. Can't imagine that he'll have a magic potion, though it is a Specialist I need to see, this time around.

For too long, I took my gifts for granted. I wasted so much time. So many "things" I could have done, I chose not to do. Pretty dumb, those choices.

Now time is running out. Running down, that's more like it.

Waiting, just waiting, for life to happen is really not a great use of one's time. No kidding!

Yet, I am still fit and strong, not yet decrepit. I am extremely thankful that I now recognize that truth... and that I'd best use what time I have left.

Re my advice? Of course, you're welcome. I wish I could give you a perfect formula for writing a perfect story. That I cannot do. But advice, I got plenty of that. The good and the really not so good. Ha!


lostdog 06-10-2016 10:29 PM

Just live in the present the best you can, you do have a lot of gifts now you are very gifted your knee will get better or they can give you a new one, take care

Tryntryagain 06-11-2016 06:37 AM

Good morning dearest Sam. Bright blessings to you.

My goodness!!, You are human afster all!

That is not to make light of the goings on for you at this time, yet even with tough times at the mo, you can still see how much your gifts were taken as "sorta accepted".

I rather think others gifts are things that "other people see". From whence that gift comes from, is much harder to see.

Often on my journey, my gifts i only accessed to "show off". I never for a minute saw their potential, or indeed i never once considered myself "lucky" to have them. I kinda thought, "well everyone's got some talent, i just have those".

Then, as is my luck, having survived everything and now consider myself to be relatively old and ugly, i realise how i have "completely taken what i can do....for granted".

Often if i am asked to give another a tune on the piano i will hear, "oh wow...where on earth did you learn to play like that?"......My answer?......

"Oh it's nothing. Actually it is really easy".

How rude is that?> How arrogant is that?

It was to not recognise the gifts that i have been fortunate enough to have within me. To have treated them with quite as much disdain as i have is ultimately somewhat embarrassing. However, now i know how lucky i am, rather than bemoan how i wished i had seen this before....i do now.

That is all that matters.

You really do have my empathy Re Knees. My left leg not the result of being old, yet an old skiing injury whose repair has now timed out. The knee.....the engine room of the leg can provide pain not many can imagine a knee could. I hope that you have a suitable treatment pathway to improve the state of play.

I take this with me on my journey through life now, "never miss what you have lost. Be thankful for what you have had, and even more grateful for what you have got".

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you dearest Sam

Alexis 06-11-2016 08:03 AM

Sam, sorry about your anxiety and knees. you sound good though, upbeat :)

Love you very much xxx

gmasusie 06-15-2016 10:16 AM


I hear your pain. I can no longer sleep without pain meds. I am so looking forward to June 28. I will get a new cobalt chrome knee. It has become completely debilitating. I can not even walk the dogs any more. Please keep us informed.

Love, Susie

Sam Bailey 06-15-2016 03:26 PM

Hi Susie!

I just returned from my Ortho Doc. A new one, though he told be precisely what my old doc told me. Time for a new knee...or two. He did give me a couple of cortisone shots. Yet as you know, even if/when they work, one can take only so much cortisone. Too much and your knee falls off. Sumthing like that. Ha!

Unlike your wise self, I am SO resisting getting a Total Knee Replacement...and....and...I'm still running. Dope that I am. Should say, I WAS running. So hobbled now that I can barely jog without some pain.

Looks like I'm next in line for that TKR.

One does forget, least I do/did, just how reliant one is on one's knee. "One's knee," as in My Damn Knee...and Your Damn Knee. Ha!

Anyway. Once I make the decision, I'll likely be far happier. Right?

You are, I'm betting.

Good to hear from you, always.


Alexis 06-15-2016 03:28 PM

Love to you Sam xx

R. Lee 06-16-2016 09:17 AM

Good luck on your knee decision Sam.

gmasusie 06-16-2016 10:40 AM

I'll keep you posted. Of the 10-12 folks I know who have had the surgery, I have yet to talk to anyone who regrets having it done. I think that bodes well. I hope.

Sam Bailey 06-16-2016 02:29 PM

Hi Susie!

Clearly, those 10-12 folks you spoke with who had the surgery? All liars. Every single one of them. On the take, I suspect. I mean, look at 'em limping when you turn your head. Oh dear, what pain they must be in!!


Just kidding...of course. It is true, so I've also heard, that most knee surgeries are successful. Maybe a complaint here 'n there, but regrets? Nah. Very few.

You are right!

However, I still hold on to this terrible fear that I will be one of the exceptions. As a RUNNER, it's true, I DO have more of a chance at failure than the "typical" walker.....or bike-rider.....or hiker.

A resumption of running is NOT impossible. About this, I have been assured. Just more potential complications, more risk---which of course makes perfect sense.

Still, that is my goal. To run again.

Nonetheless...we shall see. Hell, I just haven't made up my addled mind yet.

You though, Susie, you are making an excellent choice...and I wish you nothing but the best.

However, if you can outrace me once we both have our new knees, I will be very, very pissed off! HaHa!


lostdog 06-17-2016 09:28 AM

I know this real old lady who had it done bilaterally and is doing great! just check their infection control record for nosocomial histories. ask around, just fyi, good dr's with good records are wonderful! Best wishes and take care.

Tryntryagain 06-17-2016 03:19 PM

Good evening dearest Sam. Bright blessings to you.

Ok. You have to take on board that Tryn is in my dear ole Blighty, (oh and by the way for the record...EU ref...IN) travels a bit slowly, so i might of lost something here.

I will run past you what i gather, (pun intended!)...

Your knees are *****d, all the advice you have sought, injections last time et al, have told you, Mr Sam needs a new pair of the wobbly bits in the middle of your legs.

You presumably have decided that you will have sufficient "leg space" over time to be constantly injected until the wobbly bits fall off, (screwing up your medials, laterals, the whole shebang)...then you will be *****d.

Fear, in my humble opinion is what this is about. Not the new knees "perse", yet will it ultimately mean i can not do what i love? Something that is integral to my life...i need a guarantee it's going to happen.

On top of that you have heard storys about what has happened to "other new knee people", and it didn't sound good eh?

My dear Sam, if we had listened to other drug and alcoholic journeys....and their "outcomes", we would not have bothered. We would not be here.

You are here, as i am, is because we are survivors.

You know your life? When you were constantly out of your mind? Did you run then? Ok i am guessing.....nope. (At least not for fun eh?)

You fought your way back. Now it is a love.

How about this story.

Some fruitloop in the big place loved running. I mean really loved running. If he couldn't...well.

Trouble was, his knees were giving out. It was threatening his love of running. So much so he got to the point of needing serious injections the keep the show on the road.

"So what did he do?", (asked the imaginary friend who is listening to the story!),

Welp...he went to the right people and they said he needed a new knee, possibly 2.

"OH WOW!!".....

Yup. He went right down there and said, "just whack'em in, i can handle this shit".

"What happened then??"

Hmmm, it pissed him off some because it ain't easy to have a knee replacement. Kinda "takes it out of ya".

Thing is, you have to know the fellow to understand.

"How so?"

Oh, he's a fighter. One of them proper ones. So now, his new knee/knees, work better than ever.

Oh it was a nightmare at the time. The amount of physio, building up those muscles that "cup over the knee" to support it, it is hard.

Yet, with support, he came through just fine. I just heard from him, he's running free.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you dearest Sam

Alexis 06-19-2016 02:43 PM

hey Sam, how you doing? x

gmasusie 06-23-2016 09:47 AM

OK, Sam. I am counting down now. 5 more days to the hospital. I am preparing walker, shower chair, etc.............

I will keep you posted when i can.

Sam Bailey 06-23-2016 10:57 AM

Hi Susie!

Oh boy, what an...exciting? day approaching. How long did your docs say your recovery will be?

You may recall that I scheduled my own TKR surgery for some time last year.....then cancelled the darn thing. Ha! What a.....well, I don't know what. Definitely a wuss. Ha!

Any case, you MUST let me/us know about your recovery, day by day. Maybe I'll end up following your lead?

Right now I can barely walk. Without pain, I mean. Moist heat does alleviate most of the pain, temporarily. But any climbing? Fergetaboutit! And running. Uh, no.

But you, kid---you'll be dashing around New Mexico in no time!



gmasusie 06-24-2016 10:08 AM

Mountain climbing with the dogs is my goal!

I definitely will keep you posted. Doc says 3-5 days in hospital, 6 weeks before I can drive because it is my right knee. However, he is sending me home, not to rehab hospital because I have a good attitude and he wants me back with my own germs. PT will come to me 2X per week until I can get to them. He says I will be walking the next day after surgery.

Yes, I am excited. After the pain we have been through, I am not scared of a little surgical pain.

Keep you posted. Love, Susie

Sam Bailey 06-24-2016 10:38 AM

Hey Susie!

My bags are packed, in case you figure out some way to smuggle me into your hospital room, in time for surgery.

How to work our scam? Easy. We say: Conjoined twins.

Oh Doc. Sooooo tragic, Oh Doctor, Doctor!, this is a brother and sister, both in need of new knees?

Think he'd buy it? Ha!

Bigger problem is whether or not I jump and run just as we're being wheeled toward the operating room. The whole time I'm running, limping, I mean, I'm shouting, "Conjoined no's a miracle!!"

As noted, I'm betting you do great, as will the doctor and his staff. You're gonna heal wonderfully. Sure hoping you do.

So please, do keep us updated.

Also, a personal request, apropos of my particular addiction issues, how is the Pain. Please, shoot straight. I've been told that the pain, post op especially, is pretty gnarly I don't fear the pain, nor worry about the pain. It's those damn Pain Pills that I have some concerns with.

Thanx and some damn good luck for you, Susie!


gmasusie 06-25-2016 11:58 AM

Thanks, Sam. Will do!

lostdog 06-25-2016 12:33 PM

take care Sam with your knee and keep posting, you are such a nice person!

Sam Bailey 06-28-2016 06:24 PM

Hey Folks!

So here's the deal. My two oldest grandkids, 15 and 13, live with their Mom, my beautiful daughter, on the coast in Oregon. She's a single Mom, with 3 (yep 3!) other kids. Oh, but she's the most loving, most devoted Mom you can imagine.

Her ex-husband, the children's father, is the opposite of that. He's an awful person, angry, rude and just all around rage filled. He lives in Portland, about a 2 hour drive from my daughter's home.

Also, he's a drug user, mostly pot. Though coke too, though that might be in the past. However, he is, so he says himself, habituated to pot. Addicted? Whatever. Needs to smoke it everyday, he has said. The kind of thing.

Well, the two boys are not allowed to use pot, booze or any drug. They have experimented and are forbidden. My daughter tests them, sometimes.


Here's the latest. Her ex believes they should ALLOW both my grandkids to smoke pot in the house. His house when they're with him, my daughter's house when they're home.

He was also "caught" giving weed to my oldest. He only agreed to stop doing this due to threats of turning him in to the police.

He is a fcken idiot! And frankly, I'm nearly beside myself with anger at him due to this current "idea," which, he thinks, will bring the boys closer to them. WTF!!!

He smoked dope as a teen...and if you knew him, if you SAW him, you would instantly know that his development was halted a long time ago. Arrested Development, that is him.

He doesn't believe, so he says, the medical literature that claims the adolescent mind CAN be arrested by marijuana.

Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

My daughter is doing a good job of raising her kids...but this kind of parenting help, this so-called father's help, she surely does not need.

And if I step in to "help?" Oh good Lord. First, my daughter would have a conniption, without her approval first, I mean. I fear she knows her Dad. Ha!

Second, the guy would not believe me, that smoking pot and drinking at that age is deleterious to the young brain...and third, if I actually met up with him? I'd likely end up doing 20 to Life.

No, not that. But I do confess that our meeting might not end well. So, for now, the weight rests on her shoulders...though I am so thankful that she has her best friend to rely on for any kind of support.

That best friend is her Mom. I recall so well the time when they butted heads due to her own teenage angst. I knew then, somehow, that the saying (where did I hear this?) was true: Keep them alive long enough and they will come back to you.

Today they are best friends.

And that's great. But it doesn't solve this current, I think, crisis. They're all in Oregon....and we are in California.

I really want us to be there with her/them. Right now though, it just isn't feasible.


Thanks for listening.


Millie 06-28-2016 06:52 PM

Wow. What a situation. And what an idiot. Would he give cigarettes and booze to them at that age too?! It's all the same to young brains with 10+ years of developing yet to do...

The threat of police intervention is a good one. Definitely illegal.

What a piece of work. I'm sorry your family is going through this. Those kids must be conflicted too. Yuck all around. :(

Alexis 06-29-2016 06:30 AM

Shit, im so sorry you have to go through this, and sorry to your daughter also, what a terribly difficult situation to be in :(

Will be thinking of you as always xx

R. Lee 06-29-2016 08:45 AM

Tough situation Sam. Report him to the proper authorities & maybe they will take away his rights to visitation.

Sam Bailey 06-29-2016 02:02 PM

Hey Millie, Alexis, RLee,

Thanks for your support and kindness.

The major deal about the whole thing is not that they're experimenting with booze and pot, lots of young people have done that. And it's not even that this imbecile thinks having them toke up at home is somehow a good idea, though that does bother me incredibly.

The very clear thing that this idiot is missing is that those two boys come from a genetic history of addiction, on both sides. He is an addict, he has several blood kin that are also addicts. And then there's my daughter's side of the family, beginning with, uh, ME!, for cripes sake!

It's almost laughable, the thick head on this guy---though it's not close to being funny. I mean, bottom line? This "family thing" (gag me!!) could develop into an addiction problem for both the boys.

The therapist said it last night, to my daughter during a special session she called for, and for which her ex husband refused to attend. The therapist told my daughter that she is now the only thing standing between her two sons and a lifetime of addiction.

Overstated? Maybe. I hope so. But truth is, the addiction deck is stacked against those children.

Anyway. My daughter is not going to allow this to happen, not without a fight.


But still.....


Alexis 06-29-2016 02:05 PM

Hope it gets sorted Sam, must be a nightmare not being too close in distance as well. Hope you dont feel too helpless, im sure you are offering support and it is as cherished as it is on here.

Love you xx

Millie 06-29-2016 02:09 PM

The therapist could very well be right. I'm glad your daughter is on board.

Watching my sister struggle with addiction (we're not close, and my only real connection to her is our mom), I know how tough it is to watch and trust that others who are able to be more involved will do the right and responsible thing. Painful.

They're all lucky to have you in their lives, caring like you do.

Tryntryagain 06-29-2016 04:06 PM

Good evening dearest Sam. Bright blessings to you.

My goodness. You have no idea how i feel for you. You know me....i'm gonna tell ya.

1 son serving 5 years for conspiracy to supply. Daughters, with kids, spending their freetime taking coke and drinking brandy, and Ant.....pilar of the community.

Same experiences, same the lot.

With all our experiences in this family we have gotton to a stage, (surviving it all) where we can share with other choices.

Do we forget when we were young....the influences around us, and we made the wrong choices, yet we did not know that.

Some of us had others to guide us...some did not.

When i was young and cool......then addicted....i would kill anyone who stood in the way of my dealer.

Influences not choices.

So what do i do when the girls turn up for London to "stay the weekend", and while i am beavering away in the kitchen, they are slowly getting out of their nut.

What are MY choices?

"RIGHT YOU LOT!, take yer shit and clear orff!"

That would be last last i would see of them.

They still take it, "without me knowing", (yeah right!), because they would NOT like to upset me. (I give speeches, not slaps to the kids)....then i learnt something only survivors will truly know.

My speeches didn't work, (they never do), i don't slap or threaten too, what to do, what to do?

Hold on a minute......when i was 13 i was sticking needles into my arm. I was alone, and felt it.


So, what would have helped me then? Drugs had become my mother, My Father, brothers and sisters, hell...became my Mrs. It is where i went. End of.

Very quickly in a young person, easily influenced, drugs and alcohol.... the very comfort/numbness they are looking for they can get in minutes. They do not know the consequences last a lifetime if you're lucky.

So if another, who does not just love yet adores them, does anything other than reach out your hands, you're ****** and so are they.

They will thump, walk away, scream, shout and tell haven't the faintest idea what you are talking about, and anyway, "you don't know me anyway".

A CUDDLE freaks them out.

So now, i am a hugger. It is 2 fold. Firstly it feels so uncomfortable, (their drug of choice is suppose to do that), yet the little'un comes through. It is amazing how quickly a hugged temper can turn into simply hugging tears.

Don't get me wrong, be firm, draw lines, there has to be boundaries. Yet when they are continually breached, it's time to dig out those hugs and hold on for dear life.

Oh...the geezer passing it on? Kick the shit out of him.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you dearest Sam

lostdog 06-29-2016 05:48 PM

I just read your post, kinda late. I think the mom can say she disapproves and reasons why constantly, it is her right. Kids need an adult who is an adult....
They may listen. If she doesn't enable them. I think drinking is the worst, pot just makes someone like a dependent loser, I don't like the smell or anything, but it is legal and not like meth, heroin, cocaine,etc. Well, I'm kind of rambling and wish you the best. You can tell them also. Google the wiki how it helps you with stuff for talking.

R. Lee 06-30-2016 05:25 PM

Sam, He is an addict so he thinks like one. Life is all about him.

Alexis 07-01-2016 10:39 AM

Hows it going Sam? xx

lostdog 07-02-2016 09:18 AM

how are you doing Sam? Hope you have a nice weekend.

Sam Bailey 07-07-2016 04:18 PM





Alexis 07-07-2016 04:37 PM

its like a wonderful poem :)

Millie 07-07-2016 04:55 PM

Thanks for the chuckle. :)

Alexis 07-11-2016 11:50 AM

Hey Sam how are you and the space bar? hahaha x

Sam Bailey 07-11-2016 12:14 PM





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