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gmasusie 04-20-2016 12:05 AM

Me too, Sam.

Alexis 04-25-2016 06:44 AM

How are you Sam? xx

Millie 04-25-2016 01:51 PM

What else was on your "addled mind," Sam?

How are you?

Sam Bailey 04-25-2016 02:05 PM

Hey Alexis,

You ask how I am? Well, since you asked.....

.....I don't feel well. And I don't feel good.

My body hurts, knees up. Worse, I guess, my mind hurts. My heart? Ah, gag me. That is so cornball! But ok, it hurts too, my heart. I suppose.

Thing is, I have so much to be thankful for, including the continued sobriety of my beautiful son. And I am thankful. I am. For so much.

Bottom line?

I'm just not too crazy about Sam these days. Always have had a problem with that guy. Like him some days, some days I have even loved him. Plenty other days though that I think he's a crappy, failed, dishonest person, and I really have little use for him.

Problem is, he wont leave me alone. Follows me everywhere I go. I turn around, there he is. So, I need to accept him, I know this. Need to accept that he's a flawed person, flawed but not bad. I need to accept this then embrace the s.o.b.

But on some days, days like today, I just don't like him well enough to make that move. Can barely tolerate him, to be honest, So instead of accepting him, I push him away instead.

That Sam, does the man have an authentic bone in his body? Some days, I think he does. No, I know he does. I do. But if that's true, why not all days At least why not more days?

He disappoints me so, that guy Sam.

Blah blah blah blah blah.....

Sorry guys. Just a hard day. And I'm feeling sorry for my dumbass-self.

Sorry for both of us, me and that Sam guy.

***Edited to say, Hey Millie I hope your weekend was terrific!!



Alexis 04-25-2016 02:22 PM

Sam whenever you write, i feel youre writing about me too...not the knees part thankfully on my part, my knees are ok. I dont use them enough, need to get off my lazy ass more often.

But the not liking Sam, him following you around? Yeah, alexis does the same and i dont like her much either lately.

I hope you can see yourself the way we do...i hope i can see myself the way you all do!! I suppose we keep talking to each other, we discuss our flaws, we revel in our joys, we are all human. Today i feel sad but proud of Iamtrying, for being honest and human and wonderful. I know he will start over and do even better.

Love you sam, youre one of the good ones. You are kind, beautiful spirit and im glad youre here xxx

Millie 04-25-2016 02:29 PM

I realize I often respond with posts about myself -- it's not that I'm narcissistic (I don't think), I just can't tell you what to do, and can really only share my own experience in the hope that if there are no nuggets of inspiration there, at least you know you're not alone.

Now that that disclaimer is done: boy do I understand that. I have gone through so many extended periods of not liking myself. What I've found is that I have needed to differentiate between what is changeable and what is not. Seems like there should be some kind of prayer about that...

The things that are changeable ("crappy... dishonest"), well, those can be dealt with. For me, those things are generally actions or behaviors that make me feel like a hypocrite. So when I get down, I try to figure out ways to modify those behaviors.

The things that aren't changeable ("failed"), well, you were correct to put that in the past tense. That's my word too, and I have spent extensive mental and emotional resources trying to place them in that Bygones section where they belong. I failed to get into three different grad schools, and it pressed my Failure button for an inordinately long time. Didn't help that my best friend was having greater and greater successes the more I failed. BUT. Now, a year and a half later, I realize how stupid it would have been if I'd succeeded. Failure is always relative. And we tend to focus on so many of the wrong things. I'm seeing this now.

We do ALL need to accept ourselves. But do we need to accept ourselves as-is? Not always, in my book. If we're moving forward, making changes that will make us more tolerable to ourselves, it gets easier. If you don't accept yourself, make yourself acceptable. And from my experience, when people don't like me, I think it's because they haven't bothered to get to know me. I know people tend to think that age means we know ourselves, but I might suggest that maybe you just haven't gotten to know Sam well enough?

I think you have a kindness in your heart that a lot of people lack, and that a lot of men won't admit to. I actually like you a lot, as a person, from what I've seen here. And I know we may tend to put a sheen on ourselves when we write, but I think we see glimpses of each other.

R. Lee 04-25-2016 05:33 PM

Sam,Is there something in the water today? Missing loved ones here who are not posting. Some that have chosen to drink again.

Buddy our best thinking got us here. I love you like the everyone here does.

You are going to be OK & OK is good enough for me. Lots of Hugs for our Sam!!

Sam Bailey 04-25-2016 07:00 PM


You guys are great. All of 'youse!

I'll be okay. I'm sure I will.

And RLee? You're right, "ok" IS good enough. Sometimes I don't remember this. Not often enough, anyway.

Big thanx!


R. Lee 04-26-2016 09:11 PM

Sam, I hope you are feeling better about yourself. In my insignificant mind you are the MAN! Thanks for being here.

Tryntryagain 04-26-2016 10:01 PM

Good evening dearest Sam. Bright blessings to you.

Goodness gracious me.

I am so sorry Sam. I have been that far up my arse.


What is "good enough"?

What makes a good person, a good Dad, a good friend, a good mentor........actually what is the definition of "good"?

If it is the best we can one trys harder than you. Your efforts transpire into love for others that make them try to be the best they can be.

Inspiration comes from others "catching hold of positivity"....what instinctively feels right.

Your very being brings all of that with it.

A "nip n tuck", (well being where you are i should image you know where not to go as the dodgy places mean folk are melting on the pave...oh...sidewalk), just pop those awful feelings into your lips....things you never want to remember into your buttocks, take away your natural frown....and pop a new one in. 2 Litres of white paint on your tell me you do not feel like a new man already?

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Keep smiling. Loveness to you dearest Sam

lostdog 04-27-2016 09:41 AM

Well, Sam, some days are just better than others, think of yourself as one of us and the way you write and pick us up. I read somewhere that wrote, " what gives you the right to cut yourself down" it hellps me when times are bad. take care, you are sooooo smart and kind and I just really value what you say and depend on your strength. You are so worth it!

R. Lee 04-27-2016 01:15 PM

Sam, Our best thinking got us here didn't it.

Alexis 04-27-2016 01:19 PM


Millie 05-03-2016 02:33 PM

Sam, how are you?

Sam Bailey 05-03-2016 08:15 PM

Hey Millie!

I'm good. Thanks for asking.

Ok. Not THAT good, to be clear. As I noted in another post (ok, several posts), my knees are so-way-very-effed-up.....and I'm such a wuss. Ha!

Seriously though? I'm in total withdrawals from not-running. I mean, damn, I barely know what in hades to do with myself...when not running.

Oh Millie, I could go on...and on. Mrs. Sam and I had a few harsh words last night. Always hate that, I do. All's well today, though. Nothing serious.

The urgent Care doc I saw this weekend? She offered me drugs, Norco the proffered script that she suggested. Ha!

Cripes, it wasn't THAT long ago that I spent most weekends searching for such things-and now, when it's offered, I say no.

Yet, as I noted in another post, that bell WAS rung. I heard it, I mean. No doubt, I heard it clearly.

Those days, my Days of Wine and Norco, were such bad times. So many memories I have of those times, ugly times they were, toward the end, that is. Especially in the end.


I just slathered a big ol glob of Bengay onto my knee. Is it "onto" or "on?" Well, I applied it to my knees, both knees actually. Luv the smell. Reckon I'll find a spot that Mrs. Sam will allow me and my Bengay to sit on...and we'll then sit.

So there.

Thanks, Millie.



lostdog 05-03-2016 08:39 PM

man I hope your knees get less rickety soon. I can think of some exercises you can do to get those enorphins going that are low impact. Rest and get well soon.

Alexis 05-04-2016 06:08 AM

Sam sorry your knees are so bad...whats the plan in the long term? to get them better? xx

Millie 05-04-2016 12:59 PM

Oh dear, do I know how awful it is to be sidelined. I injured myself right around the time I was rejected by the three grad schools I applied to, and had to stop running for a few months. Worst depression I've had in years. I was even too self-pity-filled to do the things I *was* able to do. As I'm sure you know, running gives you all those nice endorphins, so when you stop, there is a legitimate withdrawal.

So you know what I'm gonna ask -- can your knees handle other things? Biking? Elliptical? Swimming? Swinging from vines in the jungle? Something rhythmic to get the blood pumping and the endorphins going. When I had my stress fracture late last year, I'd've gone straight down into a pit if I hadn't forced myself right away to start doing other things. While my husband doesn't always love that I spend a few hours most weekends running, he remembers how I was without it, and appreciates that I'm a much nicer person now.

Okay, lecture over. You didn't ask for advice...

I really really hope that you can find some relief for your knees, and for your heart, and I'm glad you had the self-knowledge to turn away the meds. (And I love the smell of Ben-Gay too!)

Sam Bailey 05-04-2016 01:45 PM

Hey Guys!

Big thanks to all of you. As I've recently said, y'all are the best!

"Y'all?" Sheesh, must be the injury. Brings out the Tom Joad in me every time. Ha!

**Side note: Truth is, I am "related" to Tom Joad, as all genuine Okies are.

Although I'm not from Oklahoma, both my Mom 'n Dad are...and like gazillions of other Okies," they came to California during the infamous Dust Bowl, bumper to bumper with all the other Joads.

They were truly "Grapes of Wrath" dreamers. Dad was 19 when he married my 13 year old Mom which, back then, in Oklahoma, wasn't terribly unusual.

Anyway. Once in Bakersfield, they lived in Canvas Covered Cabins in Crowded Labor Camps (thanks, Merle H!) and together they worked in the fields and sheds of Rosedale and Pumpkin Center. 40 cents an hour, 12 hours a day, 7 days a week. I believe it was 40 cents. Tule fog? Worked. 110 degree summer days? Worked. Sick? Yep, no rest for the weary.

Years later, my Dad and I would get into some pretty heated arguments every time Caesar Chavez and the Farm Labor Union idea came up. Despite being worked half to death, without a single benefit, Dad loved the owners, while I gave my allegiance to Chavez.

Boy, would we get into it.

Truth is, I was a dumbass 16 year old know it all kid. But on this matter (all other politics aside), I was right. Sorry Dad. Ha! Geez, I miss him, despite all his demons. Mom, too. Despite hers. Brother. Grandmother. Uncles. All gone. Where the hell did they all go?

Whew! Where'd THAT come from? Ha!!

Pleeze!! keep the advice coming! I think I have my endorphin production covered...will have, I mean---in a week or so. But any other advice, hints or orders!, send 'em my way. Thanks.


Millie 05-04-2016 02:04 PM

That is one of my favorite books. Ever. The turtle chapter? Come on!!

I don't know about Joad-relation, but some of my family settled in Bakersfield too. Love your stream-of-consciousness posts. :)

Tryntryagain 05-05-2016 04:28 PM

Good evening dearest Sam. (**** me), Bright blessings to you.

Did i say **** me?

My dear friend from the mad place in Timbuktu, isn't it terrifying to find a human bod....just our ******* selfs, are actually more than we have ever seen, what we have ever done, wherever we have been, moreover where we have not been......MAKES US.... US.

We are here now. Most likely your fault.

Here's the thing.

I am here, and it is my fault. (Getting this?)

Thank **** i found out that "do what you gotta do". My "fault"....kept me alive young man. So it did.

It is no longer my fault. it is my responsibility.

All of that has come about because i have had to "think on my feet quickly" time for my heart.

I have never seen a more wise, understanding if not, compassionate heart on the whole of my journey in life.

For me, you are the air that many breathe.

Breathe it for yourself.

You are truly unique and in my life, a source of energy i could not do without.

Pop that into your Dopamine and endorphins mix and see what it does for you.

Love my dear Sam, oozes out of you. Pop that back from whence it came from....D,s n E,s sorted.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you dear, dear Sam

Alexis 05-07-2016 04:22 PM

Never read Grapes of Wrath, do i need to add it to my list?

Hope youre ok Sam? thanks for taking care of me this past week x

Millie 05-09-2016 02:59 PM

Alexis, it's required reading for most American students. It's the story of an American migrant family moving across the country during the depression. It's fabulously written, and an amazing portrait of what that time must have been like. There are parts of it that I still think about to this day. Very worth reading, in my opinion.

And Sam, how's it going?

Alexis 05-09-2016 05:33 PM

Will add to my list :)

Yes Sam, how are you ? xx

lostdog 05-10-2016 08:29 PM

It's a classic book for are you Sam?

Tryntryagain 05-13-2016 02:52 PM

Good evening dearest Sam. Bright blessings to you......

....."Sam Bailey"....when my eyes see the letters...i smile.

How is it in the land of my favourite looney tunes...hmmm?

When my...well. do you remember the Mr Men books?...Mr this and that....and Mr blokey with the quivery bottom lips.....(bless him), .....his mouth was all turned down...Mr Sad....stand him on his ******** head, ...."he's smiling"....Mr Happy.

This family is about knowing which way up we are.

What i adore about you, is you make me tumble naturally. Without anything else, just me.

Dearest Lost Dog....dearest Alexis....seriously...tell me it is not so?

Read the grapes of wrath.

O by the way, you there dear Sam?

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you dearest Sam

Sam Bailey 05-13-2016 04:45 PM

Hi Guys,

Thank you all for writing, most especially a hearty thanks for your kindnesses and your well-wishes.

Once again, I've been a little sideways the last couple of days. Our water heater finally went to the Great Appliance Store in the Sky and, though not a terribly big deal, there were a box-full of complications that had me bouncing around yesterday, pretty much all day.

Not a biggie though, right? Yeah, except for my goof-ball knees, especially, for some reason, my "almost good right knee." Freaking had me up half the night howling at the moon.

Most specifically, I am, I really am, in some kind of "withdrawals" from lack of running. Crazy, huh? Yet true. My identity is so wrapped in being a runner that it's maddening that I can't do it.

Oh sure, I know how "sick" that is. Certainly is unhealthy, I know. Thing is, and I know what a vanity this is, I am, even at my age, one of the fittest, fastest guys at my local running park. And among all the 60+ codgers, I am far and away the fittest.

Not the most humble, clearly! Sheesh!

And now, once again, I am just a guy in the stands, looking out on the field, wondering, what could have been? Doesn't it make you want to just throw up? Ha!

Oh, there is so damn much ego in this entire dealio. There is, however, something else, something that's not so vain. It's something about being strong and capable of survival.

Except for my flucking knees. Ha!

Ok, enough about those damn knees, Sam! Find a bike or a pool, okay? Well, smarty pants, I have both and I still wanna run.

Seriously, enuf!!!! Ha!

"The Grapes of Wrath" is a novel that all people with even the slightest interest in great literature should read. Must read.

Beyond that, as I've kidded about in other posts, I really am a part of that great Dust Bowl Migration that "Grapes" is based on. Well, not me---my parents. In many ways, my entire family were much like the novel's lead character, Tom Joad.

So it is personal for me. And it's brilliant! The greatest American Novel of all time? Several to choose from, so can't say that for sure...but there are none better. IMO.

Ok, better refill my ice pack.

Thanks again, folks.


Sam Bailey 05-14-2016 02:14 PM

"Chasing the Scream" Newish Book
Hey All!

Although "Chasing the Scream," by Johann Hari, is a book that's mostly about the huge failure the War on Drugs have been, including the terrible harm its done to already very ill people, I think all of you, yep, ALL of you, will find this fast read fascinating. I urge you to read it ASAP.

It may make you half crazy; it will spark the outrage button inside you, no doubt., But, in the end, this will be a good thing.

I picked mine up from one of our local libraries. Btw, for those who haven't been inside some of the libraries today, please go. In many instances, they are far different from the ones we had to whisper in back in the old days, Ha!

In a good to great way!



lostdog 05-14-2016 05:25 PM

The library is so nice, you can read all the magazines, be in other's company for non-isolation yet be alone. That sounds backward. Hope your knees get better try swimming or elliptical, it's kinda boring to me but doable for the endorphin need. Best wishes!

Alexis 05-17-2016 05:14 PM

Like the library too, i dont go enough though. i have so many unread books at home. Its good to go and discover something, maybe i will go soon.

How are you holding up Sam? Thanks for being so kind to me and helping me constantly. Love you xx

R. Lee 05-18-2016 08:26 AM

Have a great day Sam.

lostdog 05-23-2016 08:32 AM

hope you are having a nice day Sam!

Sam Bailey 05-23-2016 10:28 AM

Hey LD, RLee and Ms. Alexis!

Thanks all for your kind sentiments. In many ways, I'm good. Terrific in some ways. Always so thankful for the health, and life, of my beautiful family.

My own health is also good. Mostly good, I s'pose I ought to say.

Last several days I've been self-rehabbing my banged up knee and, amazingly, I musta been doing it right. I reallllly stretched out my IT Band, which is that long, really long, hip to below the knee tendon we all have, one up 'n down each leg.

And? Knee pain pretty much gone. So pain-free that I was planning a moderately easy run on Monday (today).

Then, son-of-a-%@! I was leaving a Meeting last night with my son when I suddenly pivoted to say a brief see-you-later to a New Guy---when my flippin' knee....popped.

Just a little twist, for goodness sakes. WTF!! Ha!

Anyway. Noah and Mrs. Sam are suggesting to me that my "rehabbed knee" wasn't really that healed up, otherwise it wouldn't have popped so easily.

Of course, they're right.

Arrrgggghhhh! I freaking hate being injured. I mean, injuries never happened to me a few years ago, like, when I was 35. A few years? HaHa!

Ah crap!

Okay, that's that. Thanks for reading this used-to-be-fit-and-fast-old-guy-at-least-sooooo-close-to-being-an-old-guy's rant.

Yeah, I know. It is beyond true. So much could be worse. I'm really quite the fortunate son. I know this.

But still....

Thanks again, all!


lostdog 05-23-2016 10:47 AM

Well I'm glad your doing well, except for the knee, but I bet it will heal quick like it did before. Have a nice day in sunny California. It is so pretty there!

Millie 05-23-2016 04:39 PM

Sam, it makes me so happy to see that you'd made enough progress to even think about trying to run. That's awesome. I hope you can take care of it and get it healed to the point where it won't pop so easily (the thought of that just makes me shudder!).

Thanks for checking in. :)

Alexis 05-25-2016 11:34 AM

SO GOOD to hear you are well Sam :) and yes like Millie said, its great you are even thinking about being able to run. Sorry the knee popped, but slowly does it...!

Love to you always xx

R. Lee 05-25-2016 07:12 PM

It is all in the game of life Sam. We tend to over due it when on the mend. You were in the right place though.

Sam Bailey 05-26-2016 07:50 PM

Hey Folks!

Again, big thanks to all of you for your kind words and sentiments. It really is a good thing that you guys are here, that you bother to write to me---and, of course, that we all write to each other.

Isolation has been a major flaw of mine for many years. I mean, in the studios, especially during location shoots, there's always lots of people one must interact with. Some are friends, most are either colleagues or "subjects." So in those cases, isolation is not really an option.

Yet when the day was done, when work was NOT in session, I actively chose, far too often, to isolate myself, far away from human contact. I would, instead, embrace the warmth of a handful of pills. I would substitute drugs for personal relationships.

Dude! That was not healthy. Right? Ha! You bet it wasn't healthy. Despite all the good stuff in my life, lots of good work, friends and family, I kept sinking into the darkness.

I was alone and I liked being alone. Man, it took me a long time to realize that being so alone was the very poison that was making me sick.

Now fact is, I believe it's true. We really need to cultivate in-person human contact, even as we cultivate our relationships here, on line.

That said, I am really grateful for you folks. You all help me. Beyond offering all sorts of good and supportive advice, you help me avoid my isolationist ways!

Yay, all you!!!

I hope I can also help someone, some suffering person, lost in h/her own addiction darkness. To be of service is the greatest thing. One of the greatest, for sure.

Frankly, it saves both sides of this equation: the recipient of service, yes, it does---but also the giver.

We here, so it appears, are more than a little of both. As noted, I sure hope that's true.

Re: sumthing else??

I am running again. Hey! what's a little bone on bone knee pain? Ha!

No, ain't THAT bad, though I continue to experience a slight discomfort. The main reason it's slight, I'm positive, is I am running so.....damn.....slow. And just a little more than a mile. Ran 2 this morning. But reallllllly slow.

Fast, legs driving, arms pumping intervals? Noooo. Though I do hope I can one day get my lightning fast speed back. Blinding speed, I think it was..... HaHa!

Then? Then I can hurt myself all over again. Sheesh!!



Alexis 05-27-2016 04:44 AM

Sam thanks for checking in and updating us all!

I can resonate with the isolation bits, i used to live alone and wouldnt talk to anyone bar Jackson for days, id just drink, smoke dope, draw...Ill admit i still ache to be back there, its easy for me, to let myself sink into deprivation.

Being well, sober, social, its hard for me.

Yay you ran!! Good job! Dont rush it though, i dont want your knees to give up!

Love you Sam xxx

lostdog 05-27-2016 10:21 AM

hey Sam you are so smart and got such a good sense of humor, glad you are up and about. As you share your thoughts, know that you are growing with your sobriety and helping us so much, take care !

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