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1418 04-06-2009 10:06 AM

Told him it was over - but he was too drunk to remember!
Friday night - we got into things. Our son wasn't home (at a sleepover). I was supposed to be at a babyshower at a resturant, but I decided to go see my parents instead (needed supoprt). He thinks I'm at the shower and shows up "to surprise me" - aka to check up on me. He calls while I am driving home from my parents to tell me he is in the bar, I tell him I'm not there and I'd meet him at home. I knew it would be UGLY.

We end up having a very huge discussion. I think things happen for a reason - my going over to my parents house wasn't very relaxing, but my father really pushed me to find out why I didn't want to tell my husband that I'm leaving/ it is over.

The "discussion" was ugly - but he ends up saying "if it is over, then lets get on with things." I told him I agree.

The next day - he acts like nothing happened. In fact, the remainder of the weekend he acts like nothing happened. I really don't know how much of our Friday night discussion he remembers.

At least having said the many things I needed to say to him on Friday was good from my perspective. Having told him once, it will be easier the next time.

I need our taxes back so that I can find out how much money we have so I can make a separation proposal to him. I should have that information this week. I'm also making an appointment with a psychologist that works with kids and families. I need to know how in the world I'm going to break this news to our son when the time comes.

My father really thinks my husband is going to say horrible things to our son about me. I don't know, I can't predict my husband's behavior when he drinks.

jerryg 04-06-2009 03:16 PM


At least you got some things out in the open. Keep doing what you feel you need to do. It is possible he may take a passive aggressive route. By all means you stay consistent and clear about what you have decided to do. And yes, you have no control on what he says to your son. You do your best to honest and consistent with the child and yourself.
Sorry to hear of such a stressful sad situation.

1418 04-07-2009 09:09 AM

We talked again last night, and he claims he remembers EVERYTHING from Friday evening. I don't believe him, and that is the problem. I don't believe him with anything. From running up our credit card bills and not telling me, to hiding booze, to telling me that he is going to quit drinking -HOW many times, to telling me that everything in our marriage is my fault.

Last night he told me that I am broken - not our marriage, and that he has done everything for me, and I have done nothing, that he has wasted time with me, blah blah blah. I didn't bite at his attempts to suck me into a fight, but I did tell him that I thought we would be better off apart.

We don't have to be nasty to each other - maybe we can be a really good divorced couple since we aren't that great to each other being a married couple.

It is just sad. My heart is just aching. I am so tired of crying.

It is like he is two different people. When he drinks - he is a mean jerk. When he is sober - he is the person I respect. I wish he would just be consistent.

CarlyO 04-08-2009 07:45 PM

Hi 1418,

I am sorry you are in pain, I know this can't be easy and it has been a long road. You are not the broken one, in fact , You sound like you are focused , in spite of the pain, especially consulting a professional about the best way to deal with your son.
I doubt your husband is thinking of any of these issues, that is the horrible aspect of this disease.
You are right - whether or not you are together he still has got to pull it together for your child. I think you are keeping such a positive , healthy attitude, how you both will handle raising your son. That takes courage and you should be proud of yourself : )
Do as much as you can to take care of yourself, I am glad you have support from your family, have you considered Al Anon, just a thought .
Please keep us posted, hang in there, we are here if you need us and take care, Carly

1418 04-09-2009 09:33 AM

Hi Carly,

Thank you so much for responding - I really needed your words of encouragement. Some days are easier than others. Today I am going to see a divorce attorney.

I am still living at home with my husband and son. It is strange. When he isn't drinking - he hugs me and is very loving.. but then when he drinks (I think he was last night) - it isn't good. He wants way more than to cuddle, and I told him AGAIN this week that we need to split. I think he is in completely denial.

I just do not want to be responsible for him anymore. I care about him deeply, but I don't want to be financially tied to him nor do I want to be reponsible for meeting his intimacy needs. I'm through with this. The up and down roller coaster ride is OLD.

Thank you for listening and for responding. Your support is GREATLY appreciated.

CASEY 04-09-2009 02:54 PM

Hi 1418,

If I can give you one piece of advice is "NEVER" , ever talk to someone when they are under the influence! It is like talking to " DRYING PAINT" does nothing!!
They will have absoulty no idea what they have said or done, and it will just get extremly frustrating to you. Family is important , but just be careful how much you do share with them, in case you do stay or get back together, as much as familie's love us , they cannot help but throw the past back at us about the person we have told them too much about. Sometime's w/family ( and I Love Mine ) less is more. There really is no need to put them in a situation were they will be on your side, and then mad and confused if you stay or get back together!
Have you thought of seeing a Therapist, I live in a small town and find it is alot easier to talk to him and he does not judge, he just help's me decide what is best for me. And don't get discouraged, finding a Therapist you can work with can take time, it took me 5 of them before I found the one I have now. And I am grateful for having him and being able to say thing's that I would not feel comfortable saying to my Family or Friend's. And also my anger toward's the person, because I am sure your anger is building up and you need someone who has nothing at stake to help you. And help you decide what is best for you!
I Wish You Luck! I hope this helped a little!

1418 04-09-2009 03:18 PM

Hi Casey,

I am seeing a counselor, I have an appointment for a child psychologist, and I just came from my attorneys office. It is just sad. The marriage is over, no question in my mind.

Thanks for writing..

CASEY 04-10-2009 12:05 PM

I wish you the Best of Luck!! And it is great that you are looking for a Psychologist for your child , they know more than we can ever imagine.
Good Luck! And please keep writing to us! We would like to hear how you are doing.

CarlyO 04-16-2009 06:33 PM

Hi 1418,

I was wondering how you are doing. I imagine you are having conflicting feelings, saddness that the marriage is over, relief that there is an end in sight, it is bittersweet at best.
I keep going back to the fact that you have done everything in your power to help the situation and he has not even tried to get help.
I went back and found this post by Mer, someone who was married, with a child, her husband at the time was in complete denial and when confronted with his drinking took Zero interest in getting help, not to save the marriage, not for the sake of their child. Anyway, I wanted to share this, it is ot the exact same situation but similar, she like many here do make it through.

I hope it helps and that you are doing well. As always, please take care of yourself, all the best - Carly : )

Mer's Post ......

As a person who has been there . . . let me just start by saying your MIL is not his wife. She has no idea what you are dealing with and have been dealing with despite even what you may have shared with her- no one really does that has not been in your shoes. In my dealings with my now ex husband, I had some of those same sorts of experiences with family members- of his and my own even. It is tough. You in the end though must be true to yourself. As far as a time line, you may be ready to begin creating one. For yourself. How much more are you willing to take? I am not in your situation, but can tell you what I did in mine.

I had reached my wits end (to say the least) but also did not want to end things without giving opportunity for him to get help. I made a plan- with the help of some professional input- and people like you will encounter on this web site. The plan included a time line. Part of the reason for that was that talking had not gotten me anywhere for years before without a difinitive plan for action. It was the first time that he took me seriously in many ways. Doing this also was healthy for me because I knew that one way or another there was an end in sight- either by him getting help or me choosing that my time as his enabler was over.
I'm not saying it was easy, but I gave him a time line with a list of resources. In the end he was not on board. That does not mean that will be the same result for you. It could have gone the other way.
I want to reemphasize that this is in no way your fault- you need to consider your own limitations and at some point we have to draw a line in the sand.
I wish you all the very best. My heart truly goes out to you as I know the limbo that you feel right now. I never thought that I could be ok on the other side, and I am not saying every step has been easy (at times I worked three jobs and slept little- but the peace was worth it all)! Today , my life is better than I could ever have imagined.
As for me I thank God that I did not sacrifice myself and my child to alcohol and drugs every day!
My thoughts and prayers are with you . . . be strong . . . continue to seek out support . . .

1418 04-17-2009 09:41 AM

Hi Carly,

THANK YOU for your posting. I believe in a higher power, and sometimes that higher power is amazing. I was feeling very down this morning and your post REALLY helped me.

This morning before leaving for work, I asked my husband what he was doing this afternoon (we own a business together that isn't doing well - so he doesn't have much to do). He replied that he didn't know. I told him that I thought we shoudl get together to talk, he asked what about, I replied "talk about us." He asked what for, and I told him that we needed to be thinking about if he wants to keep the house or not. I think this hit him like a ton of bricks. He replied, "I didn't know you were leaving." I told him that I'm not leaving right away, but what did he think we were doing here?

He said something like, "so that's just it then?" He was kind of crying. He noticed that I'm not wearing my ring and he said something to the effect, "so you are already gone then."

I asked him if he wanted me to stay to talk and he said no, just go. He told me to "go chase whomever it is you are chasing." I told him I am NOT chasing anybody, and he told me that he didn't believe me. I told him, "I know, and that is one of the reasons we need to do this. So you can see that I'm not."

He told me to "just go." I again tried to ask if he wanted to talk and he told me to go, so I left.

I have no idea what he is going to do today, if he will drink, fall apart, get angry, cry... who knows..... I'm anxious about going home tonight. I called my parents and told them about the conversation so they know what is going on.

CarlyO 04-17-2009 09:46 PM

Hi 1418,

I hope this weekend goes well, after reading your post , I too am anxious to see how he handles it. The most important thing is to stay safe.
It is almost like the writing has been on the wall and he suddenly now sees it ! But it sounds like he has been in his own world for quite some time.
I am so glad you have your family for support. Hang in there and take care : ) Carly

SLynn 04-18-2009 06:53 AM


Just wanted you to know that I'm following your story and an anxious to hear what happens this weekend. What happened when you went home last night?

I really feel for you and all that you're going through. The answers to the problems seem so simple if they'd just take that first step to helping's just so frustrating! To lose what you know of your life due to the contents of a can/bottle BUT it also shows how strong of a hold this disease's a shame.

We're all here for you and keep in touch.


1418 04-21-2009 10:56 AM

Hi everyone,

I can't believe it has only been a few days since my last post. It feels like several weeks. The conversations continue and the good news it that my husband and I are talking to one another. We were both very focused on our son, but as the days go by, my husband's anger is increasing. I realize this is a normal part of grieving (loss of relationship) but I need to get out of the house I think. It is too hard splitting and still living together. I am waiting for my attorney to draw up the proposal. I want him to sign off on the proposal before I move out. There is no way I'm going to do anything that puts my 50/50 time with my son in jeopardy, no matter what happens at home.

My husband is going on his "starvation diet." I think he is doign this becuase he wants to get in shape for the dating scene. The bad part is - when he did this starvation diet before he drank and ended up in detox.

Last night at 2:15 am, I woke up and thought the toilet was running. It was actually the TV - blaring in the master bedroom (I'm in the guest bedroom). He was sound asleep. I have to believe that he had passed out to not hear that noise.

I shut off the tv, which after I did it I wished I had left it on. More to post later. Thanks.

1418 04-21-2009 12:33 PM

So I shut off the tv, but after I shut it off I wished I had left it on and just closed the bedroom door - so that he could wake up and see that he left it on.

I went back to the master bedroom to turn the tv back on, but the saying of let sleeping dogs be/whatever the saying is came to mind. If he woke up he would still be under the influence and I didn't want to deal with that - so I just left it.

I never know what things will be like when I go home at night which is very stressful. But I can deal with it becuase I know things are moving in the right direction for me.

I continue to carefully watch our son. Last night our son was asking me for attention (basically) and my husband tried to tell him no - becuase he wanted attention. I told my husband that he had to wait and completely focused on my son. I am looking forward to the day when I don't have a husband that is competing for my attention and I can give 150% to my son.

CarlyO 04-26-2009 09:18 PM

Hi 1418,

How was your weekend?
It seems like you almost have 2 kids in the picture, your son and your husb. it must be exhausting, but you sound focused on what needs to be done. Remember there is an end in sight, you can make it through to the other side !

Take care , Carly

1418 04-28-2009 06:59 PM

Hi Everyone,

My weekend was exhausting. Friday night - my husband and I got into things. Although I told him previously that the marriage was over, that I saw an attorney, etc. he still thought things were going to workout (even though he won't go to counseling).

I made the comment that was planning on looking at apartments that weekend, and he lost it. Our son had a friend over and they were outside, so my husband went outside to be with them. The pressure/intensity was growing all evening and I knew it was a matter of time before it blew.

I did not want to be there, so I took my keys and told him that was I was going to sleep at my parents house. He made some crapy remarks like, "Okay, fine- don't worry, I'll take care of everything just like I always do. Don't worry, I'll watch our son. Thanks for coming over - bye!"

Since I knew he was trying to bait me into a fight in the prescence of our son, I didn't take the bait. As I was driving away, my husband was in the front lawn saying something and waiving. I stopped the car and rolled down the window - he was saying (sarcastically) " Bye - thanks for stopping by."

I ended up returning to our hosue a few hours later. This is terrible for me to say, but I was selfishly hoping he would be passed out when I arrived at home. He wasn't. He was watching tv with our son and his friend.

Later that night my husband came into my room, and bawled his eyes out/sobbed and sobbed for hours. I don't understand - he goes from being so mean to being a puddle.

Saturday I found an apartment to rent. Tonight I am giving him the divorce summons. I am nervous. I'll wait until our son goes to bed and then I'll give him the paperwork. My attorney says I can't move out until he agrees to 50/50 placement - otherwise I put myself at risk of not getting 50/50 with our son. I hope like crazy that my husband is willing to sign up for 50/50....

Please wish me luck. I am not looking forward to this evening...

SLynn 04-29-2009 12:52 PM


I sure wish you luck tonight. I can't imagine how long this day is going to seem for you!! Stay strong and focused. Let us know how it goes.


1418 04-29-2009 03:19 PM

Hi SLynn,

I gave him the paperwork last night. He poked his head into my room, said something to me, and the SLAMMED the door. I am surprised the door didn't break.

He went into my son's room. I decided I wasn't going to take it, and I opened the door to my son's room and he was lying to my son - telling him the wind shut the door (there wasn't any wind). My son asked if I was okay, I told him I was fine and wished him a good nights sleep.

About 30 minutes later, my husband came into my room sobbing. He put his hands on my feet and kidn of laid on my legs and he was saying something... I couldn't understand him, but he was calling me an SOB - several times, saying that he has done everything and hasn't received anything from me - no sex, no this, no that. What about me financially supporting him the past 3+ years? What about his business that was going down the tubes, largely in part - I suspect - due to his drinking? I pumped thousands of dollars into that stupid business and it lost money for 3 years. Shame on me for doing it for so long. I used to believe him when he sounded like he was turning the business around- not anymore.

This morning he pretty much ignored me, which was fine. I am kidn of scared to go home tonight. I have my cell phone with me pretty much at all times in case I need to call 911. I don't think he will become physically abusive, but he will be verbally abusive.

I am working with my attorney so that I can move out. Since I would be leaving the primary residence, I need him to "sign off" or approve the joint physical placement before I move. Otherwise if I leave before that is agreed upon, I may lose physical placement of my son.

Please keep me and my son in your thoughts. I can use all of the strength and support possible.

Thank you!

CarlyO 05-02-2009 09:31 PM

Hi 1418,

I am so sorry I did not see this sooner, I hope you are ok.
IMO - you have done all you can do, the fact that he is just now expressing remorse is typical, he knows you mean bussiness, and that the jig is up for him. I am sure he does love you, but he chose to refuse help. I cannot speak for him, but as someone who has been there, where he is, I imagine he is equally upset that his comfortable world of drinking and having you handle everything is about to change. I am betting that scares the heck out of him, so he acts out or pleads for your sympathy.
If you have supported him and his bussiness for 3 years then I would hope a judge takes that into consideration. I know you must be terrified about custody issues and I am sending prayers your way that you will have custody. I pray he does not fight you on this. I just cannot understand why you leaving such a deplorable situation for both you and your son bears such weight on custody, I just hope the court does right by you and your son!

Please keep us posted, I am anxious to know how you are.
1418, I think you are so strong, you tried to make it work with him, but alcohol is such a formidable oponent. Stay strong, be proud that you are on your way to making a new life for you and your son.
I wish you all the best, take care, and God Bless, Carly

SLynn 05-04-2009 06:27 AM


How was your weekend? I've thought about you quite a bit and hope things weren't too tumultuous. You know he's going to do what he can to push your buttons...try to ignore it best you can.

Any word and time frame from your attorney? How is your son doing?


1418 05-04-2009 10:51 AM

I am meeting with my attorney on Wednesday. It is very difficult at home. He was in my room sobbing last night, saying how unfair it is, how he isn't sure if he can make it - but he must for our son, that this is killing him, I am cold and I don't care about him, I need to move out becuase this is too hard on him, I hold all the power and it is unfair, etc.

He came into my room at 4:00 am this morning - still sobbing. I am so worried about him. I again asked him if he wanted to go see a counselor. He said, "what for - you are already gone." I responded by saying that he is correct, but a counselor may be able to help him. I told him I would take care of everything - the appointment, etc. All he would need to do is to show up. He said no.

I am planning on moving out, but he must approve the joint placement agreement.

Our son still does not know. We need to tell him. My husband is going to fight me on this - he doesn't want to tell our son. How do I move out and we don't tell our son what is going on??????

CASEY 05-04-2009 08:32 PM

I am so Sorry for all that you are going through. But through the court's about your child, they are only going to care about who is better for him.
I don't think I would even want Joint custody, your son know's alot more than you think and you may have no choice but to tell your lawyer about your Husband, sadly it can not be done easier, but your child's welfare should come first before anything else. If you feel like leaving, imagine how confused your son is!
Please do not let your husband use your child as a porn in this web, he can be told his father love's him, but right know he is unable to care for him properly.
I Wish You The Best Of Luck!!
Please let us know how you are doing, we do care!!

SLynn 05-06-2009 06:27 AM


I'm not a child expert and usually try and defer your advice to professionals like a counselor or's not my specialty and would hate to steer you in a wrong direction.

My only 'expertise' on this is being a child from a broken home related to alcohol and other abuses. I would have to agree that your son probably knows more than you think. I always had a 'vibe' when something wasn't going right at home. I knew I couldn't feel the warm and fuzzy love. Tension was obvious to me. I knew that alcohol was an issue and I was under 10 years old.

While the separation will be traumatic to him no matter how you handle it, it must be done and soon with so many plans seeming imminent in your future. Guidance from a counselor or therapist is a good way to make this go a little more smoothly....and give your son someone to talk to other than you or your hubby since he may feel like he's choosing sides and/or the fear that he may get in trouble for what he says.

I know you meet with your attorney today....maybe ask for a referral or suggestion on this topic?? Let us know what happens!


1418 05-08-2009 10:34 PM

Is anybody out there? It is Friday night. My husband left over 2 hours ago to work on a project for his business. It is an outdoor project and it is pitch black outside and it is rainng.

He was crying very hard before he left. He hurt his back today working. I don't know if he had been drinking today or not.

I am scared for him not to come home, and I am scared for him to come home.

I think what may have set him off is that a copy of his acknowledgement of the divorce papers that I filed, was mailed to him. I found it open/laying out on his desk just now.

As I am typing this, I continue to frantically look over my shoulder out the window. Anxious to see if he is home yet, and anxious that he actually may be home.

This is crazy. Is anybody out there right now on the board?

CarlyO 05-08-2009 10:43 PM

Hi 1418,

I am here ? Any word from him yet ?

1418 05-08-2009 10:58 PM

Hi Carly,

Thanks for your replay. Nope - nothing. I called once and didnt' get an answer. I called again and left a voice message. It has been about 2.5 hours now. I am expecting a call from the police to be honest. Either he will be arrested for drunk driving or he will have killed himself.

CarlyO 05-08-2009 10:59 PM

Hi 1418,

I know you are worried, he sounds like he is taking this very hard but then I think of all of the times you tried to get through to him, so it is not like you pulled this out of hat.
But I guess his denial is that concrete.
I know you must be just sick with worry, you are in the midst of it but you really have no control over how he proceeds to handle this. As far as this weekend - IMO - stay calm, do not argue with him and most of all make sure you are safe, do you have someone to call and come over if you need them for support?

IMO- in the end - he will get tired of being miserable all of the time and hopefully start searching for the answers within himself. If you sit in an AA or other type group - you hear story after story where people ( because of their alcoholism) lost their families and their jobs, they will tell you point blank alcohol came first, for many it is a major wake up call, for many even getting help is too little too late to save the family but at least they are healthy and not drinking.

I will check back in a few minutes, stay safe 1418, you did not cause this, remember you tried your very best to make it work/get him help.
Take care- Carly

1418 05-08-2009 11:03 PM


Bless you for being there for me. Your message brought tears to my eyes. I can't thank you enough.

His parents live right next door to us, and we have very good friends across the street. I have a phone in my bedroom incase I need it. I don't think he will hurt me IF he makes it home. If he tries to hurt me, I will be calling 911 immediately. We don't have any guns in our house and I don't think he would know how to get a gun or anything like that.

CarlyO 05-08-2009 11:06 PM

Hi 1418,

I was typing while you posted. Maybe he is off with a friend, trying to process this. I truly pray he is safe somewhere. I think right now, all you can do is just try to take your mind off of it. I hate that you are going through this, but I still think, you did everything in your power to make it work.
You will make it to the other side, but right now I am sure you feel like you are caught in a storm.

I forgot his parents live nearby, maybe he will at least call them.

Please let us know what happens, take care and sending prayers your way, Carly

1418 05-08-2009 11:07 PM

I sure hope you are right -that he is with a friend processing..... I"ll keep my fingers crossed and will post an update tomorrow. You have helped me a great deal my friend.

CarlyO 05-08-2009 11:16 PM

I am just sorry this happened like this, I hate this disease, what it does to families. I have been through something similar with a family member, he was drunk, angry and left in the car. We prayed a lot , thought about calling the cops but he did eventually call to say he was going to sleep it off at his friend's house. But it was a hellish night for us. This is no way to live, perpetual chaos and worry.

I will check back before I go to bed.

I hope you can get some rest, maybe watch some tv , try reading, or a hot bath.

SLynn 05-09-2009 07:28 AM

Good Morning ladies,

Wow...I missed some action last night! 1418, how are you today? How was your night?

I'm frantic reading these messages and hope everything worked itself out and you're in bed safe and sound. It makes me angry, too. Your husband knows this will push your buttons and put you on high alert. He knows it will cause you to be frantic. He knows! It's a deliberate and cruel action. Uggrgh! This disease is just brutal!

How did your son do through this? Was he even aware that anything is/was going on?

Please check in when you can. I'm so sorry about your night......


1418 05-09-2009 12:37 PM

Thank you VERY much for your replies. He came home around midnight. He had been at a bar. While he was away, I found my son's "spy car" in my room. It is a toy with a remote and you can see whatever the car sees. He has been spying on me - creepy.

We just had a decent conversation. We are going to tell our son this weekend (I hope) and I hope to move out next week Thursday or Friday.

In a way the spy car is a good thing - it makes me so angry that it makes things a tad easier.

He also went through my car last night, so he found the keys to my apartment (but luckily he did not take anything).

Hopefully he won't get too drunk today/tonight. I always have my cell with me in the event I need to call 911.

He came into my room at 4:00 am this morning sobbing/crying so hard. He needs to see a doctor and get some medication. He can't sleep.... can't focus. He is depressed. NOt my issue - but I still am concerned for him.

1418 05-11-2009 06:18 PM

I have no idea why, but I cried my eyes out on Saturday. It may have been a good thing because my husband saw me very sad over this entire thing.

Today is Monday and this morning I gave my husband the temporary order for our divorce (stipulating joint custody, financial arrangements, etc.). I am hoping he will sign it so we can tell our son and get on with things. I need to move out and all three of us need to start building a new and (hopefully) better life.

I have no idea what to expect this evening, but then again I never know what to expect.

CarlyO 05-11-2009 09:39 PM

HI 1418,

I am so glad he is safe and you are ok. I had to go out of town and could not get my laptop working so I was eager to know what happened. I will catch up with you tomorrow. Hang in there and take care, Carly : )

SLynn 05-12-2009 12:55 PM

Hi 1418

Just checking to see how things are going at home. Did he sign the papers? You ok?


CarlyO 05-12-2009 06:09 PM

Hi 1418,

I hope last night went well. Just keep reminding yourself that there is an end in sight, even though it may feel chaotic now. You seem to have everything in order, How are doing it all ?
Have you told your son yet ? I am sure you are dreading it, but imo you are doing what is best for your son and you.

I think in spite all that has happened, it is natural to care about your husband getting help, he will be a part of your child's life, you want things to go as smoothly as possible. I have added some links from this site that you could print for him. Ultimately though, he has to WANT to get help, unless he is in danger of hurting himself or others, that is when authorities may be involved.

Do you think his family will intervene, especially since they live so close by. I hope that they will try, or at least educate themselves about alcoholism. You have tried everything under the sun. Like I said the other night, he may just have to hit bottom, before he will seek or at least agree to help. Myself, as someone who has been in his situation, I do hope he gets help sooner than later. But there is no law that says that you and your son have to be dragged down to the depths with him.

I hope you are managing, stay strong and post when you have time. Take care, Carly

Links for your husband...

Treatment locator : Physicians, counselors and treatment facilities..

Below is a list of the various support groups that are available and how to find one near you. There is now much more than traditional AA, there are many types of support groups out there.

Link to medication assisted treatment options... this can be an invaluable tool to help with cravings.

Information for your family ....
Education for your family/loved ones can be vital to their understanding of what you are facing and trying to accomplish.
Below is the link to the information and other resources on the site that may help them.

1418 05-13-2009 12:18 PM

He just called me and he is signing the papers. We are going to have to tell our son the next few days and then I am moving out this weekend.

My hearts aches a bit right now but I think I am mostly numb. When he called to tell me that he is signing the papers, he was kind of crying. He is so sad. I know he loves me, but I just can't be with him anymore.

Thank you for your support. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your replies.

CarlyO 05-14-2009 07:14 PM

Hi 1418,

Just wanted to say Hi, I know things are tough right now, but it will get better. Thinking of you - hang in there, Carly

SLynn 05-16-2009 06:42 AM


Checking in on you. Did you have the talk with your son? I'm guessing you're moving over the next couple days? My thoughts are with you and know each day must be such a struggle.

I hope things are calm at home. We're with you.


jerryg 05-16-2009 10:15 PM

Such a sad situation. I hope you are holding up well.

1418 05-18-2009 10:11 AM

Hi Everyone,

We told our son on Friday evening. He cried for about 15 minutes and then I think he went into emotional shock. My husband and son helped me move out the next day, and my son stayed with me on Saturday night.

My heart is breaking. I am supposed to protect my son from pain - and now I am the one causing it.. Well, his father and I are causing it. My son is acting normal (e.g. asking to have friends over, etc.) but he is hyper/a bit frantic. I guess that is to be expected, but if anybody has advice out there on how to support my son, PLEASE tell me.

I told our son that his father and I are responsible for our relationship, and being a child is tough because he has no influence or control over our (his parents) relationship and yet it impacts him tremendously. I tried to visually draw it out for our son that his father is responsible for his relationship with our son, I am responsible for my relationpshiop with my son, and his father and I are responsible for the two of us. Our son is a visual learner, so hopefully this made sense to him.

I know leaving my husband was the right thing for "us" - but it is KILLING me that I am hurting our son.

My mother talked with my MIL on Saturday, and my MIL told my mother that my husband sent out our workers on their own and he sat home and drank.... So again, my head knows that this is the best/right thing, but my heart just aches....

Please pray for all three of us. Thank you.

Fiedler 05-19-2009 08:36 AM

Hi 1418-

this situation is so awful. I am sorry for what you are going through and especially sorry for your son. You are right that you have to protect him and yourself, but I worry about your son's safety with his father. You are planning on joint custody right? If your ex sent his crew home so he could drink, nothing will stop him from drinking when he is supposed to be taking care of your son. PLEASE trust me on this. My husband has passed out so many times while taking care of our children - once when we were at camp and with our two small boys in front of a bonfire!! Please reconsider letting him have any custody. I know you don't want to take a lot away from your ex, but your son's safety should be your number one priority.


CarlyO 05-19-2009 07:26 PM

Hi 1418,

I can imagine this is so very painful. Can you talk to a professional - that may be your best option, just so you know what to expect and how to best to handle it.
I believe Fielder is spot on, you are protectig son in the long run. It sounds like you did a good job explaining things to him, imo - try to provide him with as much consistency as possible right now. I know your husband will be the wild card in that effort, hopefully he understands how important it is for you both to work together for the sake of your son.

Also, you have the support of your in-laws - right ? Maybe make sure you are all on the same page in case your son feels the need to talk to them about his feelings. You may not want him to get mixed messages, kids are very perceptive, they can detect things like body language, tone , etc...

I think if it were me- I would see a counselor just to know what to expect, just to have an idea of how best handle things. I would also make sure my child knows that he can come to me with whatever feelings he has, that sad or even mad feelings are ok - we all have them when a change as profound as this happens.
I know you are doing your best, I feel for you and my prayers are with your family. You and your son will get through this, children are resellient, this is not an ideal situation, but you love him and with professional guidance you can help him get through this in a healthy way.

Hang in there and take care - Carly

SLynn 05-24-2009 06:44 AM

HI 1418

You're life is in a huge transition now and you're son is in the thick of it...give him some time. I feel like consulting with a professional, like a counselor or psychiatrist, would be a good move. I shy away from giving advice when it come to's really out of my realm. You can't go wrong seeking the advice of a professional.

I can tell you from experience as a child whose parents separated when I was about 8, it was painful and it was also a relief. It was hard living in a house with tension and anger. My parents also had alcohol issues and I understand what it's like to be little with parents who seemed erratic at best. When they separated, it was hard BUT there was a level of "phew" that some of the chaos was removed from my daily life. Plus, the 'new life' I was leading was kind of exciting and different, too. It wasn't all bad....a change, but not all bad.

How have things been now that you've been apart for a few days? How is your son doing now?

I hope you're weekend is pleasant. Keep the faith.


1418 05-28-2009 03:23 PM

Hi Everyone,

A quick update. I received an email from my son's teacher who let me know that he is the same happy and social boy that he has always been! I am relieved. I don't expect smooth sailing forever, but so far, so good.

My husband is struggling, he is very sad. I believe that he drinking - I think I've smelled it on his breath a few times - but is isn't my problem anymore! My problem is that I need to make sure my son is safe when he is with my husband.... So far so good. This was absolutely the right decision for me.

Thank you everyone for your comments and support. I GREATLY appreciate those of you who have posted. And for those of you reading this - I hope in some way my experience has helped you.

I will post an update in the future. I know it won't be smooth sailing. Sooner or later my husband is goign to get angry, and he will probably go back and forth between phases (denial, anger, etc.) but he LOVES to be in denial!!!

Take care,

CASEY 05-28-2009 04:13 PM

So glad to hear you are doing well. Stay Stong!!
And remember someone is alway's here to listen to you.

I Wish You the Best!! :)

jerryg 05-28-2009 09:54 PM


Glad to hear you are doing better.
Glad the board was helpful.
All the best,

CarlyO 05-29-2009 09:09 PM

Hi 1418,

This is good news about your son , I am so relieved for you !! I know you have had to make tough, ( understatement ) decisions, but I believe you and your son will reach the other side of this and enjoy happiness and serenity in your life !
Thank you for sharing what you have gone through, I have no doubt that it will help many people who come here seeking support.

I do hope your husband will get help, but we know that decision is up to him. Please post when you have time, wishing you all the best on your journey to a new life, be well and take care , Carly : )

1418 05-31-2009 11:10 AM

I think my husband is starting to grasp the fact that I don't want to be married to him anymore. A long story short, my son and I stopped at the house to pick up a library book. While I was there I went to wash an apple for my son - when I opened up the cabinet door above the sink to get the fruit washing stuff, I saw a huge jug of vodka (1/2 empty) and a bottle of wine. I only opened up one door, so who knows what is on the other side.

I opened the fridge to get my son a bottle of water, and noticed a 6 pack of beer and wine coolers. I had 7 missed calls on my phone Friday evening.

I'll keep you posted.....

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