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GFofanAddict 04-08-2017 02:55 PM

BF Relasped after 2 years clean
Hi all,

Looking for some help, advice, blunt comments and hope.

Here's our story:
My bf and I have been together for several years. We live together and do everything together. We dated in high school and then reconnected 10 years later and fell madly in love all over again. We tell each other everything, so i knew that while we were apart for those 10 years, he was addicted to herion. He went to rehab about 8 times, he has been homeless, he has hit rock bottom more than once. He has told me all the scary, scary parts of what his life was like while he was using.

When we got back together, he had been 2-3 years clean. For the time that we have been dating, everything has been amazing. He is the kindest, most gentle human. He loves me with everything he's got. We have that type of relationship that make people gag from how much we love each other.

Fast forward to 3 weeks ago. Out of nowhere, or what seemed like it, he relapsed. I was away for the weekend and from what we can piece together, the stress of life, finances, school and work just exploded into him calling an old dealer friend and buying $300 worth of heroin. He used extremely heavily and broke through whatever blocker his subx was providing him (which he has been on since hes been clean). When i got home, it took him 3 days to work up the courage to tell me what he had done. He was crying and was so ashamed, it hurt my heart. He begged me to stay with him and promised he would do anything to keep me. A few days later, he began detoxing. He did it alone, at home. It was devastating to watch. I had to hold his arms down so that he wouldnt punch himself in the face, trying to knock himself out so he didnt feel the pain any longer. I found out that he had sold one of my designer purses. He had asked our roommates for money. I kept finding baggies and needles hidden away in his stuff and in our bathroom. every discovery, although i knew he was getting clean, broke my heart piece by piece.

But he got through it. It's been a couple weeks now and he is starting his sophomore year at college. He is working, paying bills and we have started seeing a psychologist together who specializes in addiction. I feel like we are getting back on track. But I don't trust him. I am constantly looking through his belongings, wondering who he is texting etc. This kills me because I hate violating peoples privacy.

Even with him moving in the right direction, I feel like I am living a lie. I cant tell my family, friends or his family because I dont want anyone to hate him. He messed up, completely, but I know my loved ones won't understand. My roommates (and close friends) found out since we all live together, and now they don't want him living here. Even though they do coke a few times a month. I understand their concern but I know my bf, i know the wonderful man he is. they turned their back on him so i know i cant tell other people. I am so lost. I love him and want to be with him forever. I know i cant expect other people to want to go through this with us. But i am afraid of losing everything.

NancyB 04-08-2017 03:56 PM

Hi GFofanAddict, you say he detoxed, are you saying he stopped taking Suboxone?

Do you know how much Suboxone he was taking before he had his relapse - more out of curiosity. And also because you asked for blunt comments. Many relapses happen in the mind well before it happens physically. It wouldn't be surprising if he had stopped the bupe before he made the call to get the heroin because he knows that it would have been blocked.

In any event. It's ok to not trust him. He violated YOUR trust by doing that conveniently when you were out of town. Talk with him about it. Make some boundaries and rules. And be sure you have consequences you are willing to go through with. You can tell him that you would like to be able to drug test him at any time. (You can get drug test kits at pharmacies, Walmart, online, etc.) If he is still taking Suboxone, that will not show up as an opiate or as heroin. There's a different test for buprenorphine.

How often are you going to the psychologist - do you both sit in the same session? If so, it would probably be a good idea for him to see one on his own. He may not want to talk about anything craving related in front of you.

There is hope because he's getting help. Hopefully he is doing it for himself and himself only. He can't do it for you, his family, etc.

Hopefully it was a one-time slip up and he learned that's not the life he wants to live.

If you need in person support, think about going to Alanon. There you'll find people who have been in your shoes or are going through what you are. Here's a link:

I wish you the best. I hope I didn't sound too harsh. Please let us know how you both are doing.


GFofanAddict 04-08-2017 06:26 PM

Hi Nancy

Thank you for writing back.

He'd been taking 3/4 of what I believe are 8mg strips a day. We have discussed what happened leading up to the relapse, since he is very open with me. and he basically said that he didnt even realize he was going through all the steps of the relapse until the dealer was in his car.

We see the psychologist once a week, only just started since its only been 3 weeks. We have gone to him as a couple but he will also be having one on one sessions as well. I know he hates the life of an addict and I truly do believe he wants to heal and move on from the addiction. But is only realizing now that he needs long-term support. I've looked into NA, and I think he has a bad stigma around it for some reason.

I feel stuck between being too forceful with him and being too nice. I'm unsure where the lines are. Even though we talk about everything, I still feel like i have to walk on egg shells. I am worried more stress is what would push him back into another relapse.

GFofanAddict 04-08-2017 06:28 PM

Sorry, I forgot to mention that he detoxed from the heroin, but continued back on his daily dose of suboxone. He said he wanted to detox from that completely as well, but I know his doctor and mother don't think it's a good idea. :/

NancyB 04-08-2017 06:46 PM

Hi again, in my opinion, I agree with his mother and doctor. If he relapsed while taking Suboxone, it would be much more difficult at this point in time for him if he did stop taking it. He needs it right now so that his cravings are under control and he can work on what lead him to relapse and gather tools to better deal with that.

This is a good thread about length of time on Suboxone:
Maybe he could read that - you could copy then paste in word, then print it out without the Addiction Survivors stuff so he wouldn't know you were posting here.

I'm glad that he'll be having one-on-one sessions. Please don't feel like you need to walk on eggshells. That just adds more stress on you, which he would notice, no? He needs to learn to cope with real life and stressors without resorting to heroin.

Many NA groups are not accepting of medication assisted treatment. So that is a legitimate concern for him. But, as we tell others, what medication he takes is no one's business but his, his doctors and anyone he chooses to tell. Taking a medication for a medical condition (addiction) should not be an issue; but unfortunately for some NA groups, it is. There have been many people who chose to go to AA instead because they seem to be more accepting of medication and many groups were open to all addictions, not just alcohol dependence. One thing that helped many here is the free CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) site:

Please be good to yourself too, ok?


GFofanAddict 04-13-2017 09:45 AM

I just found my jacket on the bathroom floor with the drawstring pulled almost entirely out. I just asked him about it and he just said " I don't know why your jackets on the floor". And then got super defensive. When I told him that I'm allowed to ask and question him, he just said "I told you I'd take the piss tests. You're not asking, you're just accusing!"

He usually isn't the defensive at all. Maybe it's because it's 6am in the morning? I don't know....why else would my jacket be like that....

NancyB 04-13-2017 06:43 PM

Hi GFofanAddict, did you drug test him after that? I think there's more to it than being 6 in the morning.

Please don't let him make you think you're doing anything wrong. You had every right to ask him why YOUR jacket with a drawstring is on the bathroom floor.

He may just not be ready to be in recovery. Please take care of yourself. There's really nothing you or anyone can do if he is not ready.

Let me know how you are when you can.


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