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Tryntryagain 08-06-2012 03:02 PM

Hello everyone
Hello all. I just would like to say hello and introduce myself. I'm 46 and have been alcoholic since my early teens. I have had multiple "goes" at sobriety, countless dry outs and rehabs, usually stuttering through some sort of sobriety. I have held lots of responsible jobs that have meant alot of public speaking. Do you know i have never stood on a platform to speak and been sober? Nobody has ever thought i had been drinking. How often i wish i had been "caught". Here i am again. Today is my first day without a drink, and i all know you all know how i am feeling right now. It never ceases to amaze me that when i reach new lows they are always lower than the previous time, and yet each time i think, it can't get any worse. My keyboard is wet with sweat pouring out of me, and have decided that i do not wish to continue this existence if i am accompanied by alcohol anymore. I hate the stuff, and it LOVES trying to kill me. Having run many support groups over the years i can't say that i don;t know the answers. I mean how is it that i have manage to support people through addiction/dependency and yet i don't seem to be able to help myself? It is quite ridiculous and it makes me believe awful things about myself. If i have been able to provide strength to others, why can i not direct that strength to myself? It's bizzare and really disturbing for me. Anyhow, i know you have all heard it before so "Hello friends". Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong". Loveness to all. x

David1957 08-06-2012 07:43 PM

Dear Tryntryagain Welcome to the forum. I too am a new member and have so been sober 6 days. I can identify a lot with your post as I have thought many of the same thoughts as you. I wish you luck on your journey. David.

Tryntryagain 08-07-2012 05:18 AM

Dear David.

Thank you for your kind thoughts and also well done to you, gosh it's hard isn't it? It's almostlike i constantly don't know what to do with myself!! The very best of luck to you, and stay strong, be peaceful and be healthy. My very best wishes, Andy

R. Lee 08-07-2012 02:30 PM

Tryntryagain, Welcome to the site.
I can tell by your post that you have worked at getting sober before. That is in your favor.
You know some of the answers that most newcomers don't know.
My suggestion is not to pick up that 1st drink when the urge comes. Try doing this for one day. If that works try it the next day.
I needed a support group to get to where I am today. I take my sobriety 1 day at a time. Before I got sober this time I had failed so many times before that I did not want to fail again so I kept on drinking.
I got the courage to go to one meeting. I learned I had a choice to drink or not. So every day I make the choice. So far I have been able to make it 1 day at a time.

Tryntryagain 08-07-2012 04:33 PM

Thank you R.Lee. I do understand where the experience of your words come from. And you are right. I would need to move, in order to realistically access the support i need. Hence the value of this forum to me, - Day 2. I feel confused, but alcohol just adds to the confusion, so i am trying to relax. I have had some cream crackers and keep sipping water. I am not frightened. I know my body will help me if i help it now. (I feel awful!!) I know it get's "better quickly". When it does i will be posting a new thread about staying stopped. Is that selfish?

alanw 08-07-2012 05:49 PM

You are doing great man, maybe you never believed in urslef before, that's all it takes, you can do anything you want! You have taken the most important step in your life and in your recovery, and that is what's most important here! Your a very intelligent person and you can live without booze if you want, just hang in there and take it day by day, anything else can be overwhelming, after all your brain is rewired and it takes sometime for it to be normal, but you will get there, were all here to help you and learn from eachother. Again Congrats on taking a huge step forward!

Your friend,

Alan w

CarlyO 08-07-2012 05:57 PM

Welcome tryntryagain,
Dear Tryntryagain,
Welcome to the forum, as members have posted already, there is great feedback and support here. I included some links, you may already know some of this info but imo it cannot hurt to re-educate yourself and read the other threads.
Maybe there is a support you would consider or even medication assisted treatment to help you with cravings. You mentioned hitting a lower low, it happens, as this is such a progressive disease. Have you thought about what you might do differently this time? Think about what are your barriers, your triggers, doing something differently in order to break the cycle of insanity that we face....
(i.e. Insanity: doing the same over and over and expecting different results)
Do you have a support system? Doing this alone can be tough imo.
Especially when you have managed to maintain your alcohol misuse under wraps. Do you isolate because you need to protect your alcohol misuse? Sometimes having someone to be accountable to can help, be it a friend, a counselor, or other support. Also, imo, it helps to have others believe in you when you face moments of doubt.
If you are detoxing by yourself, please be careful, read the link about alcohol withdrawals, it is advised to detox under medical supervision, for your safety as well as comfort and overall opportunity to see the process through.
**Go to the ER if you need to, your safety during the process is VITAL.
Keep posting, venting, consider support options, most of all stay safe while you go through withdrawals.
So glad you shared and keep us posted, again welcome, glad you are here!
Take care, Carly

Alcohol WDs:

Types of Supports/Help
Treatment Options/including :medication assisted treatment :

Tryntryagain 08-08-2012 08:09 AM

Thank you Alan and thank you Carly for such helpful and useful advice. I did happen to feel the need of A+E at 4am this morning. It began whilst i was in bed. I was not too worried about having a few shakes, but last night they became uncontrolable, my whole body was shaking, i could not get up and stand. I rung 999 from my phone next to my bed and the ambulance people where so, so very kind. They gave me an injection at home and took me in and i have been given thiamine and i now have some librium. They have also given me a prescription for "build up" drinks as i am massively underweight. I also have some information about SMART recovery that runs from my local hospital. As soon as i am well enough i shall go along to listen and learn. Carly, you are so right in that there is no harm whatsoever in "re-education". I also appreciate that the upcoming weeks will be where i need to learn to stay stopped, what my triggers are and learning to keep myself safe. I am extremely tearful quite alot of the time at the moment, and this is worrying me. I do not feel sorry for myself, but i have an overwhelming sense of sadness, what is that about? I feel as if i have been a "shell" for such a long time, i can see that now. Having worked in the feild for such a long time, my mentality is in "hiding" at the moment. I feel incredibly embarassed to be in this situation and mightily ashamed. I know these feelings are negative and will do me no good at all, but i simply can't help it. I believe it will pass as i believe the poison within me from this awful drug alcohol, covers physical, phsycological and my emotional well being. I simply need to stay dry, hour by hour and things will improve. Thank you all for your amazing support. Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong.

CarlyO 08-08-2012 03:47 PM

Dear Tryntryagain,
I am so relieved you called for help and just in time it sounds like! I know I sound like a broken record but Alcohol withdrawals can be very dangerous and for some even fatal.
Could the sadness comes from a sense of loss, grief as you may miss your "friend" : Alcohol. It happens, the good news is that it does get better with time and effort. Think of the stages of grief, sometimes they can be applied to this, in any order... denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Right now, though I think the goal is to get you Safely through the withdrawal phase.
When you say the field, Do you mean in the helping profession? If so you know academically what to do. It is the application that can trip us up. With the feelings remember, alcohol numbs our emotions so you may be bombarded with waves of emotions, this is GOOD, we are meant to feel all the feelings, the good, bad ,mad and sad, this is where support comes in, to help you acclimate to world of emotions again. And you did great by coming here and sharing about it, we've been there too ! imo shame and guilt are the worst part, try not get overwhelmed by those two. Remember, you are human, humans are infallible, alcoholism is a disease, cunning and powerful, working in the field does not make you immune to the disease, the saying: we are not bad people getting good, rather sick people getting better.
The links that I gave you have a link about SMART recovery, try an online search for your area. If you need face to face or other help during the process, seek professional help for an assessment/referrals.
I hope the medication is working and I am guessing they gave a number to call, use it. I can imagine how awful and scary it must have felt, you did the wise thing by calling for help.
Take it easy, focus on getting better physically, take care and keep us posted, Carly

R. Lee 08-08-2012 07:45 PM


Originally Posted by Tryntryagain (Post 418946)
Thank you R.Lee. I do understand where the experience of your words come from. And you are right. I would need to move, in order to realistically access the support i need. Hence the value of this forum to me, - Day 2. I feel confused, but alcohol just adds to the confusion, so i am trying to relax. I have had some cream crackers and keep sipping water. I am not frightened. I know my body will help me if i help it now. (I feel awful!!) I know it get's "better quickly". When it does i will be posting a new thread about staying stopped. Is that selfish?

Tryntryagain, I suggest don't get ahead of yourself by saying "staying stopped".
On your gquestion whether it is selfish. The program that I work is a selfish program.
In 4 hours & 10 minutes I might get in another 24 hours.

Tryntryagain 08-09-2012 10:03 AM

I feel like letting out a sound today, from the pit of all i am. I won't because i fear what it wil sound like. Today i am racked with fury and anger. I have never done this on my own before, i have always had the safety of rehab. Can anyone help me out with this one? When i have been in rehab, (6 months at a time), 99% of the time, drink does not even enter my head. When i have not got that safety net, 99% of the time i think about drink. Am i a coward in some sort of way? Am "refusing to accept" something? Still sober. Furious. 30 mins by 30 mins at the mo. Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.

R. Lee 08-09-2012 07:58 PM

Tryntryagain, You don't have to do this on your own. I could not get sober until I joined a support group. With a support group I had phone numbers to call for help & meetings to go to so I could let other recovering alcoholics know how I feel. We have been down the road you are on.

Tryntryagain 08-10-2012 08:30 AM

Thank you R Lee. I am still sober, slighly less furious than yesterday, (what a weird day yesterday was), and today i am starting to think ahead, in that you are quite right, i can't do this on my own. I have checked my "where to find" and there is a meeting tonight about 4 miles from where i live. I am still extremely shaky and worry about attending. Maybe a bit soon, i'm not sure. But that is where my mind is going, i need help. No two ways about it. Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all

CarlyO 08-11-2012 06:10 PM

Dear Tryntryagain,
How are you ? I am sorry I did not post sooner, I know this is a tough time, Lee, as always thanks for being here and sharing, while I understand it helps you, it still means a lot that you are here to give back.
Tryntryagain, is there a specific reason you are doing this on your own? Yes, when we are in a controlled environment it is quite different however I know many people who have found meaningful recovery via meetings or counseling or a combo of supports, it requires willingness and an open-mind. I used to psyche myself out of support until I got to the first few meetings, then things got better, a lot better. I need to make a correction, describing those in the helping profession, I used the word "infallible" instead I meant we are NOT infallible, not immune from this disease. Remember this disease does not discriminate and it is so sneaky, it will talk to you and you are right by holding on, 30 mins. an hour whatever it takes. Is there something you can do that will not put you at risk when the cravings hit, the feelings overpower you? Take a walk, call a friend, post here, VENT ! Or go sit a meeting, at least you will be safe and odds are you'll feel better.
You mentioned SMART recovery so I posted a link to their main website, includes, meetings online and where to find a meeting, US, Australia, Canada and UK if that should apply. Also doing a search online, see what is near you. And there is also medication assisted treatment, like Vivitrol or Campral that can be helpful with cravings. How are you doing with cravings?
How do you feel physically? This is a process, you mentioned feelings of anger, I remember raging, a blind fury because I wanted what I wanted and I wanted NOW! This is a lifelong journey, I started at a young age, so I had to learn how to cope with life without my Substances of choice.
Please hang in there, if you are concerned you need something more, maybe where you are accountable, an outpatient program,face to face counseling..... are you willing, is it possible for you to do this?
I hope you will believe that the journey is worth it, find what works for you, and I hope you are feeling better. Keep us posted, take care, carly


David1957 08-11-2012 06:22 PM

Dear Tryandtryagain I hope you are feeling better today. I got to a meeting on Thursday and it was amazing what a difference it made to my outlook. Although getting to places is a problem I'm going to grasp every opportunity for fellowship as I feel this has been a major omission on my part. Meeting fellow sufferers gets me 'out of my head' and lets me focus on the experience of others. I wish you every success in your recovery. David

R. Lee 08-11-2012 07:17 PM

Tryntryagain, It takes a lot of guts to walk through that door for the 1st time. Good luck.

Thanks Carly as you know it helps me stay sober.

CarlyO 08-15-2012 08:08 AM

Dear TrynTryAgain,
How are you? We are here for you and pulling for you. Take care, Carly

Tryntryagain 08-15-2012 08:32 AM

Hello Carly, R Lee, David and all. I am back to square 1. First day again. I have no words for how i feel. I suppose i feel "empty" wrapped in a cloak of illness. Just an empty shell at the moment. Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.

CarlyO 08-15-2012 11:41 PM

Dear Tryntryagain,
Thanks for the update, it seems like you know what you need to do, you can stop but not stay stopped, maybe finding what your barrier is, seek professional help. Not to minimize your situation but for some of us it took many stops and starts before we found what works. Please don't give up, go back and read the feedback and links, most of stay safe, take care, Carly

Tryntryagain 08-16-2012 10:09 AM

Hello Carly, and hello all. Many thanks again Carly. It may not appear to be the case, but i am trying to "see sense and i am trying to make sense of where i am at. My purpose today to remain dry and some food would be helpful. Thank you all for your non judmental support, i really do appreciate it. Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.

R. Lee 08-16-2012 04:05 PM

Tryntryagain, Never stop trying to stop drinking. Take it one day at a time. I needed a support group to get to where I'm just for today.

Tryntryagain 08-17-2012 09:17 AM

Thank you R Lee. Day 3, and what's going on here? This is going to make no sense at all, but out of the clear blue sky, i feel, well....positive?? I have no idea what happened during my curiously vivid dreams last night, but i "returned" to this world this morning and physically i felt yukky, but i have this sense of purpose. I have a piano and various intruments that i have not touched for yonks, this morning i played them all, just for a short time. I read some articles around my addiction, and i got out all my work that i have undertaken over the last 6 years. (I have worked in the field of addiction for several years), and although it felt "alien to me", what i have achieved, deep down i know it WAS ME. I do however have a very real problem. Whether or not it is simply my perception or whether it has foundation, without giving too much away, it would be extremely difficult to access support in the part of the Country i am in simply because i am well known for precisely the opposite that is the case now. To "come clean" and access what i need, would set back what i have represented, what i have said and done, quite frankly alot of the services that exist have my finger prints all over them. I was to be the keynote speaker at an upcoming Conference since citing "political reasons" for not doing so, (funding and payment by results). I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I am also aware that i am extremely ill, and physical symptoms not good at all. I am aware therefore that unless i take this in hand, right now, my physical prognosis is not good, never mind anything else.

It is why i have been "doing it on my own" if you like. I feel i have no choice but to. However, i do have a great deal of experience in that i KNOW exactly what to do, it's just i feel my circumstances do not allow me to do it as i would like and how i know it works. I'm relying on the fact that i have "learnt enough" to do it myself.

I will not move, as i have run away many times before in my life, it never, ever works.

So i'm "stuck", but dry. Any advice?

Thank you all once again for being here at this time.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.

CarlyO 08-17-2012 03:50 PM

Dear Tryntryagain,
There must be an answer to your situation, it is worth speaking with someone about your choices. You could choose to seek help privately with your doctor, an addiction's specialist and utilize online peer support. Also, I gave you a link for Medication Assisted Treatment, it can help with cravings. Goal being to safely go through WDs and address your health issues. Before, you mentioned SMART recovery and other options, what changed your mind about these? Was this an issue when you contacted emergency ? You probably are aware but there are inpatient programs all of which are bound by the law of anonymity. Regardless, your health issues must be addressed.
Do you think you being too hard on yourself? You are human after all, and even if you have been the epitome for all things recovery - no one is immune from this disease and people do relapse. IMO - that all you would need to say if you felt compelled to talk about it, there are specific laws that protect anything related to mental health and substance misuse.
Obviously, we don't know your circumstances, I feel bad that you are attempting to deal with this alone, at least you know you have cyber support until you can figure out what to do.
Please seek help asap if you need to. Take care and keep us posted, Carly

Tryntryagain 08-17-2012 05:36 PM

Hello all, and thank you so much Carly. There is an answer to my situation, you are quite right, it is me. Re SMART, i was in a place when i honestly thought, "this or gone". I didn't, (thank goodness), i wish i could tell you why.

Online is the way this needs to go for me. I need to "do" what i "do", for me. Simples.

It would be smashing if that was the first time i had recognised that. This is this bit that makes me weak. If there is a mountain in your way, i will move it. If there is a cup in my way, i haven't the strength to lift it. Why? Why do i usher through so many over the thresh hold, and remain the ********** doorman? Why don't i follow?


Thank you all.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.

CarlyO 08-19-2012 03:23 PM

Dear Tryntryagain,
I wish I had an answer for you. Please whatever you decide to do be careful and know you have our support. keep us posted, hang in there and take care , Carly

Tryntryagain 08-20-2012 03:43 AM

Thank you Carly and all. Still dry and today i am being collected and taken away to another part of the Country until wednesday. I am staying in a dry place with a dear friend who knows what is happening for me at the moment.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all

CarlyO 08-20-2012 03:03 PM

Dear TrynTryagain,
Thanks for the update and glad you have someone who will support you- take care of yourself, Carly

R. Lee 08-20-2012 03:13 PM

Tryntryagain, Nothing from but good luck. You are worth sobriety.

David1957 08-20-2012 06:41 PM


Originally Posted by Tryntryagain (Post 419450)
Thank you Carly and all. Still dry and today i am being collected and taken away to another part of the Country until wednesday. I am staying in a dry place with a dear friend who knows what is happening for me at the moment.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all

Good luck my friend! My thoughts and prayers are with you. David

Tryntryagain 08-23-2012 01:58 PM

Thank you all for your kind posts and wishes of wellness. I wish the same for you all. I am back from my time with my friends, a different perspective, so very welcome. It enabled me to find myself for a little bit again. It was so lovely. I want more. I am doing my best to stay dry.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.

CarlyO 08-24-2012 06:09 PM

Dear TrynTryagin,
Hang in there, I hope you find a solution, you deserve peace and happiness too !
Take care, Carly

Tryntryagain 08-27-2012 10:20 AM

Thank you Carly and all and i hope you are all well. Really strugglong here. I can't remember a time where i have felt so in the grip of this disease. I believe i have an answer. I feel i have no ability to deal with anxiety and stress. Believe it or not i am going to Holland on Wednesday for 10 days. It is to earn money and i have been fretting about it for 2 months. My drinking has got worse and worse to the point that if i am not constantly under the influence i would simply collapse into a heap. It is the only thing keeping me upright. I can report that this is no fun whatsoever. In order to do what i have to do in Holland i will have to be "topped up", i really don't think i can pull it off. I can not find the words to explain why it is the case, but i am in a constant state of terror. I am so frightened of everything and i don't know why. It is as if i have "run out" of who i am and there is nothing left. I have outlived myself. Hay hoe.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.

CarlyO 08-27-2012 01:59 PM

Dear TrynTryagain,
It sounds like your anxiety stems from feeling trapped by this disease, understandable. You know the dangers of alcohol Wds and Maybe this is causing fear: being away, while having attempted WDs. In my opinion, (not medical advice), it would seem either cancel the trip or if you have to go do what you need to do to stay physically safe and as emotionally stable as you can during the trip. I realize your career is important, but at some point do you think you may need to make a choice?
If you must take this trip, can you talk to your MD or other professional prior to the trip to ease your mind, figure out a plan? Also, imo - If you go, try not to allow the anxiety to take over, you can always try again when you return as you posted you have many reasons to keep trying. You are not the first person to hide your drinking due to job, family, etc... that is the nature of this disease to conceal and protect. And again, you are not immune because of who you are or what you do, so try not play those negative tapes.
You have the forum if you need to vent, please stay safe whatever you decide. Take care, Carly

Tryntryagain 08-28-2012 09:39 AM

Hi all, and thank you for your kind thoughts and sound advice Carly. I wish i could tell someone what i am actually doing in Holland, it is almost unbelievable. I purposely made sure my flight is not until the afternoon so that i may "top up" before i go. I have this impending feeling of disaster around this trip. I have decided however within me that i am no longer capable of sustaining this for much longer and feel very strongly that residential rehab is the way forward for me. Today i have written to a very "powerful" fellow in that he is the "head" of treatment services in my Country whom i have worked closely with in the past. I have marked it "confidential", and i have told him all about it. I have said that i am terribly unwell and i have asked for his support to enable me to move forward. Carly you suggested that perhaps it's time to "make a choice", how right you are. I would not even be contemplating Holland had it not been for the fact that i have already been paid, and when asked why i was considering it, i said..."i have taken the mans shilling, i now have to come through". If i had the money i would tell this man to get lost. But it is the way it is and i must find the strength to do what i have to do, get home and look at ways of turning things round. WDs are a major, major concern for me, and i certainly know that i would be unable to just stop, as my body is physically dependent. What an awful mess things are for me right now. The "insanity" of this cruel disease are coming up me thick and fast and it is almost as if the real me is simply not getting a look in. I must find him, he needs me.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.

R. Lee 08-28-2012 03:05 PM

Tryntryagain, When you get back from Holland give yourself a break. It sound like you have a lot on your plate
When I got sober I had to make that my # one priority.
There are many medications out there for anxiety. Talk to a doctor about them.
My best to you.

AbbyNormal 08-28-2012 05:07 PM

I too tried and tried to get sober and failed. AA was a revolving door for me and I truly thought I would die before finding sobriety.

Like you, the bottom kept getting deeper and deeper until I finally gave up stopped trying to control my drinking. So many years of just buying a six pack and half pint of vodka only to end up buying a fifth two hours later. I was just so tired of trying.

Well, when I gave up trying to control my drinking, guess what happened? Yep, the urge to drink was lifted and I allowed people to help me. It was really a surrender disguised as the opposite.

That is the secret. Being able to surrender completely and to know deep down that you will do whatever is asked of you in AA or whatever program to achieve sobriety. Or as they say in AA "be willing to go to any length" Got a sponsor for the first time and did exactly as I was told, holding back nothing. I was a blank slate ready for instructions on how to live life w/o my beloved alcohol.

I also believe an alcoholic can surrender just by merely doing the steps. By the time you get to step 5 the slate is wiped clean and you start filling it up with good recovery stuff.

That is what happened to me. I truly hope the same can happen to you. Today I do not crave a drink. Haven't since April of '87.


CarlyO 08-28-2012 08:46 PM

Dear TryNTryagain,
So relieved you have someone you can trust and confided in them, so upon your return you make a plan.
If it is totally impossible to not attend then Concentrate on making it through this trip, don't feed into the fear. Maybe your fears are rooted in being found out try not to go there, it is really no one's business, in the states any MH/SA issues are protected by law. I am sure all will be fine, then get home, where you can focus on doing what you need to do to care of yourself. The reality is that even you are the drug Czar you are not immune from this disease ! IMO you are being too hard on yourself. It would be better to deal with the feelings in a safe environment, we can be our own worst enemies, the guilt and shame keep us paralyzed and that is no good. Again, deal with this with a support system. Try to stay in a positive frame of mind so that you won't feel like there will be a disaster at every turn. I do believe you are in a unique situation however it is NOT an Impossible situation. Stay positive and safe and have faith that all will work out.
I heard this quote :"People often meet their destiny on the road they take to avoid it" - French Proverb
Take care and keep us posted, Carly

jenm 08-29-2012 11:43 AM

Hi Tryn-

I've been reading what you have written, since your first post. Here is what you typed not too long ago "I have this impending feeling of disaster"......I CAN SO RELATE.

As a 39 year old single mom of 3 boys, I felt I had to be on "top" of everything. Career, part-time fitness jobs, everything with the boys. I have been there where I felt that I only felt "normal" if I was drinking. Today I feel "normal" (whatever that is) and today I don't have a desire to drink. Just today. I can't handle tomorrow, that is too much. I've been around recovery for awhile, but the insidious disease doesn't go away. I am so grateful that I found my way back - there is always something that hasn't happened "yet".

Please, please, please take care of yourself. Only we that have been there can truly understand what it feels like to have those four horsemen breathing down our neck - anxiety is and has been a huge thing for me and if I can't manage my mental health appropriately I have used alcohol to do so for me. Not today. Jenm

Tryntryagain 08-29-2012 05:19 PM

Hello all, and thank you all so, so very much. If only you knew how much this is meaning to me. RLee, AbbyNormal and Carly, thank you sooo much. jenm. i am now in Holland, it is my first night, and your words have me in tears. I am clinging onto life as hard as i know how. I nearly was not allowed on the flight as i was throwing up at "security", and now i am here, it has taken me since 5am this morning to get to where i am now, nearly midnight in Holland just about functioning. What i am doing here repulses me so much it is hard to bear. I have 10 more days/nights of this. I have a reputation as "lucky"in that i always find my way. I can no longer see where i am going. Good God, i need some help. I have only been here a matter of hours and already i am ringing "home"begging for help. I am utterly lost and now in the wrong country. What was i thinking? What was i doing? Why on Gods earth am i here. I am frightenend for my life. Pathetic as these words are, it is now all i feel i am left with. I have an ocean of pain inside me and i can no longer blank it out. I am honestly in fear for my life. I am too much of a coward to live, and too much of a coward to die. I am so dreadfully stuck. This is an outrageous question, not one that can be answered by anyone but myself....but i'm going to ask it anyway. What on earth should i do? I am properly trapped by my addiction, God, please help me.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all

R. Lee 08-30-2012 05:32 PM

Tryntryagain, Is this your general anxiety or something that you are doing in Holland that bothers you to this extent?

Tryntryagain 08-31-2012 11:29 AM

Hello all. R.Lee thank you. I am no longer in Holland having reached my perception of my own "breaking point" which my last post makes me feel embarrased about. Being able to write to the forum, was at that time the only support i had in a visible and physical experience of falling apart. I flew back last night with little regard for the consequences simply because i was being so physically ill. When i was on the plane simply hanging onto normality and not "freaking out" was about as much as i could muster. I had a friend waiting to pick me up from the airport and i may stay here for a few days on the condition i saw their Dr this morning which i did. I asked for a home detox, which i have done before. She understood my concerns in accessing treatment in my area, but under the guidelines, home detox's will only be granted when other provisions are in place including aftercare. She explained to me that there were other avenues into treatment and she was refereing me to a psychiatrist who works within the field of alcohol dependency. She will chase it up for me and expects me to have an appointment with him in the next 2 weeks. In the meantime she has urged me to ring them every couple of days explaining i have been refered as they often have cancelations. She implored me to moderate my drinking, but not to stop in the meantime and to try to manage my "chaotic" lifestyle and relaxing by taking a short walks, and introducing a "routine" in anticipation of treatment. She prescribed me 4 single 5mg Diazepam to help me stop reaching for the last drinks of the evening and take 1 instead. 30mg Mirtrazapine 1 a night. Build up drinks. She has made me another appointment for Tuesday. She was brilliant. So compassionate and understanding. It shocked me.

It hard to quantify my sense of relief in all manner of ways. I am much more relaxed. I feel when i left Holland i had to make the choice Carly was talking about. Everything was getting totally out of control and out of hand. Everytime i catch myself in the mirror i can see myself dying and i turn away in disgust. I suddenly focussed in a moment completely on saving my life. That wasn't the revelation, it made me realise that i have reached this conclusion because otherwise it's curtains.

So i'm "comfortably numb" at the moment. The amazing support i got from the Dr and this forum gives me a sense now of being "cradled" in that there is somewhere to go for help. This is one of the few places to come to where you don;t need to explain that this support is saving my life and resusitating me as i write.

Re Holland, well i just don't know what the outcomes of that will evetually be and i feel rude by saying that i'm past caring right now, but i am. It's known i am not well and i'll deal with it another time. I feel so weak at the moment that if i try to deal with it now, there won't be another time. Another shared post was that i need to be selfish to get this under control. I understand that logic and i thought, but that's not what i want to be. I have realised in the last 48 hours that at this moment in time i don't have a choice. I have to be right now.

Once again thank you all so much. I hope one day i will be able to support in the way you all have.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.

CarlyO 08-31-2012 04:04 PM

Dear TryNTryagain,
I think it took a lot of courage to get on the plane and get to your support system. I understand you cannot divulge certain things but if you are sick you are sick, why would you have tell everyone the specifics? If money is the issue, then could you when you are feeling better/ up to it make a plan to pay them back? Don't worry about it NOW, number one priority is to get you safely through WDs and in a better frame of mind. Try having faith that you can turn the corner and that you will be able to look at yourself in the mirror with self respect. I think we all know the dark times of staring into that abyss , unable to look in the mirror because of the disgust, BUT it does get better if we work towards for it !
Your support sounds like they will monitor the conditions and ensure a safe home detox. Again, you can not hold yourself to higher standards because this disease simply does not care who you are ! You are just at risk as anyone else. In the states, we have many programs for doctors, nurses, people in the addiction profession as they often have the self- knowledge, but tend to rationalize and intellectualize their disease, the programs are designed for the individual's issues that may prevent them from recovery. Also, do you have medication assisted treatment available to help with cravings? Imo - Allow others to help you and guide you. Keep us posted and be good to yourself. I am so relieved you are among a support system. It does get better ! Take care, Carly

R. Lee 09-01-2012 02:47 PM

Tryntryagain, I'm happy that you were able to leave the situation in Holland.
It is time to work on yourself.
Best of luck.

CarlyO 09-03-2012 08:33 PM

Dear Try,
Hope you are doing well, we're here for you, take care, Carly

jenm 09-03-2012 10:54 PM

Hi Tryn-

I'm relieved to hear that you have taken the steps to begin taking care of yourself! Trust me, I know how hard it is.

It does get better. I have experienced it and I thought I was that person that would never ever be able to stop the insanity. It gets better.

As I've been told before, let us love you until you are able to love yourself! We are here! Take care, Jenm

Tryntryagain 09-04-2012 09:02 PM

Hello all, and thank you so much for your support. I saw the Dr again this morning. I am finding it hard to hear peoples words. I am finding myself "not quite on the same wave length" of others. Do you all think that if i go to sleep tonight, but if i lay on my left side, do you think it will make a difference? Perhaps when i wake in the morning, none of this will have happened and what i wish i wasn't i find out i'm not? It's a long shot, but i'll try anything right now. Bloody hell. If i was "new" at this, fair enough. But i'm not. I know what to do, somebody thump me? WHY AM I NOT DOING IT???

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.

CarlyO 09-05-2012 04:53 PM

Dear Tryagain,
I don't doubt that it can be much more difficult to take the steps necessary when you have the knowledge, understand the disease process yet applying it to ourselves seems to baffle us. That said maybe break it down to its most simplest components, get through withdrawals safely, take each moment, each day, try not to overwhelm yourself. As they say keep it simple. You have an opportunity now to make the changes hopefully, with vigilance, to not be back in the previous situation. If you ever were in a position to give others encouragement,believe in that same encouragement that with support you can carve out a life without alcohol. For me, when I had serious doubts that I could make it, my supports said " Believe that we believe you can do this." It Worked! Hang in there and take care, carly

R. Lee 09-05-2012 08:45 PM

Tryntyragain, I was not new at trying to get sober either.
I tried in 1982 to stop drinking because I was fired for an off duty drinking episode. I quit drinking & during that time I got my job back through arbitration.
I planed on never drinking again. I lasted a total of 7 months dry.
In 1984 I was severely injured in a ATV accident. MY 1st wife sent me a get well card. I had not seen her in 13 years. She lived in CA I was in MI. She was in recovery I was a drunk. I called her & asked her to pick me up at LAX. She did. I stayed in CA for 2 weeks swore off drinking forever. I went to AA meetings with her in CA & for another month in MI. Then I quit going to AA because I did not like AA.
I convinced her to move back to MI & she did. I lasted a total of 7 months again before I picked up a drink.
In the meantime we were married & divorced with in two years. We lived together off & on until 1998. She was sober except for 3 months after 23 years sober. I continued to drink.
I had wanted to stop drinking forever for many years but I knew if I stopped I would fail so I did not try.
On Sept.5th 2004 I came home drunk around 5 P.M. I sat in my recliner & was overwhelmed with the desire to go back to AA & try to stop drinking again.
I took the step by myself as my X wife said I had to do this for myself & on my own without her.
I went to that AA meeting after 42 years of drinking. I had a diffrent attitude & found out in addition to my drinking I had a thinking problem. It is one thing to be dry & another thing to be sober.
The most important thing I learned was I was an alcoholic & my life was unmanabable. The 2nd most imporntant thing was that I had a choice to drink or not every day. I no longer have that mountain of never drinking again in front of me. I work my program 1 day at a time. It is a simple program but not an easy one.
I stay very involved in my program by attending several meetings a week, sponcering recovering alcoholics, leading meetings at the county jail once a week & checking in here to suggest my experiance hope & strength.

Tryntryagain 09-11-2012 08:14 AM

Hello all, and thank you R Lee and Carly and jemn, all valid comments and of great support to me, thank you so much. I am still here although "stuck" in a twilight world. I have done something quite absurd and, well, frankly pretty stupid. I thought i could "work myself through this" abit like a footballer "running off an injury". I suppose i thought that by attempting work again i thought it would make me feel valuable and that it would give me some sort of "reason/purpose", and daftly i thought my alcoholism "might go away" if i kept focussed and busy with something else. It was a bit of a disaster having been asked to "go home" after only 2 days "back". The embarassment tangible for me and now, i just don't know what is next. As has been said this is not just about getting dry, it is about dealing with my "drinking thinking", it just won't leave me alone. In the last 2 days i have received many, many e mails as my condition because of these 2 days at work have left many now knowing my problem. The support has been unbeleivable, some of the things that have been said about me serious leave me thinking, who on earth are they talking about??, they must have got me confused with someone else....but no, that is what my reputation has engendered. How is it possible?, how can it be that i am able to fool everybody into thinking i am competent, experienced and worth my salt? I wonder what they would have thought of me if they knew that for many years when i have "done my job" it is all i can do to collapse in a place where no one will know. It is like living on a planet where i am the only inhabitant. I feel soincredibly alone even with all the support i am being shown. It smacks of selfishness and self pity to me, niether things sit well with me. I am barely hanging on, but "just" is good enough right now.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all

R. Lee 09-11-2012 12:36 PM

Tryntryagain, As alcoholics are alcoholism never goes away. It can go into remission if we work at it.
Are you using a support group besides this forum where you can call someone who like you is a recovering alcoholic?
I could not get sober by doing it by myself. I needed a support group where I sit down in a room of people who are like me an alcoholic & share what is going on with me. I also have 2 sponcers. I need to see faces of fellow recovering alcoholics & hear the good & bad that is going on in their lives.

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